*** Featured on StoruesUndiscovered ***
A bittersweet story about a lover who never stayed and a love that never ended.
Disclaimer- This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, and incidents are the products of my imagination. Any resemblance is...
"... the more that I breathe, and start to go slow Of all the many things, I can only recall All of the good things, the good things ..." Eternal sunshine by Jhene Aiko
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July 2013
The days that followed Noah's departure were very difficult. I kept waking up with an ache in my heart, a knot in my stomach, and a lump in my throat. My palms pined for the feel of his stubble against them. My head missed its new favorite home-the crook of his neck. My body yearned for his touch. And my life just... lacked detail.
When Noah came to visit, he did more than just visit- he disassembled me. He took me apart, laid me open, and threw away all the weaknesses I had as May and replaced them with stronger parts from Mer. He made me brave... er.
My rampant insecurities, the ones that had been brewing inside me since I was a little older than a fetus, were abated. My priorities in life, the ones I had set in stone since I was old enough to recognize letters, were replaced. My core values, the ones I held onto since I thought I had myself figured out, were put in flames.
He filled me up with his kind words, loving eyes, and careful caresses. I was no longer May. There was no May without those traits. Noah ended May and Mer began her journey in my body.
The problem was, I didn't know how to exist as Mer in a world without Noah. I felt like a complete novice with an unlived life stranded in a world built for two. For four mornings and four nights, we had been building a separate world for only the two of us. But just as we finished the construction, before testing the waters, he left me alone to fend for myself.
In Noah, besides love, I had also found peace and a sense of familiarity. He reminded me of my childhood, my family, my home. His presence filled the hollowness I had had in my body since I left home for college. And when he left, he took that familiarity away with him and I felt homesick. LA felt like a foreign land and I felt alone and empty again.
"I can't do this anymore." I had told him over the phone just a week after he went back to Jersey. I had been feeling blue and overwhelmed with an outpouring of emotions I didn't know how to cope with. None of my techniques were working for me. No amount of meditation and painting could calm me down.
Life was getting harder; school was getting tougher. I was missing every one: him, my parents, my brothers and my life. I was also PMSing, but the point remains.
Noah being Noah, my boyfriend, my rock, my confidant, he had excused himself from his meeting to sit through my episode patiently. He had kept calm and collected as he said, "It's okay, baby. Let it out." And I did. I let it out. I allowed myself to be a damsel in distress as he comforted me.
When I was done making my point, he reminded me that our love was strong enough to endure anything. With a kind voice that would replay in my head for years to come, he had said, "Mer, our love isn't selfish, it doesn't demand from us, it doesn't take from us, it doesn't hold us back from our dreams. Our love perseveres despite distance. So, don't do anything stupid in the name of distance- don't give up on us in the name of distance. September will be here in a blink of an eye and you'll be home before you know it. Day brings another day, life goes on, and everything gets easier, baby. Just you hang in there."
