Never Saw This Coming

February 27th.

Xander
Tw: mentions of suic*de attempt

My eyes take a hot minute to flutter open completely. I might have allowed myself to get fucking drunk last night. After almost killing myself and being surprisingly saved by the ice queen herself, I think I needed a little night to let go. It's why I decided to join my friends at the bar last minute. I was going to catch a ride in my car until I saw Maddy was still in the parking lot. Might as well have annoyed her a little bit more. She doesn't know that she stopped me from doing something terrible. I don't even want to think about it anymore. That's my third time I've almost ended my life.

Each time before, I stopped myself. I told myself that it wasn't worth it. The temporary pain I was feeling was exactly what it was. Temporary. Somehow, someday, it would get better. I just had to keep living and one day I'd get there. After yesterday, I think I can get there again. It probably won't be my last time saying that but it's worth a fucking shot. I'm alive. I deserve to be, I think.

When my vision clears, I see three heads hovering over me. I flinch immediately. "Hey, buddy," Cgc says. I pull my hands up from under my blankets and push all of their faces back. They stand up straight and I sit up on my bed. They all knew I wasn't going home this year, so I figured they planned this. Today is February 27th. My father's birthday. They know how difficult this day is for me though they've never actually spent the day with me. I'm usually home with my mom, brother, and sisters. It's why I was so terrible yesterday. My thoughts consumed me all at once. I wanted to be able to see my dad on his birthday even though I knew that it was impossible.

"What are you freaks doing?" I ask. I appreciate their concern, really, but I don't need them hovering over my bed like idiots until I wake up. I start to wonder about how long they were actually there, staring at me sleep. "You wanna do something today?" Rhys asks. My head pounds and I'm shocked they're not still asleep. We all got drunk last night, taking Ubers home. I look at the clock on my nightstand. 12:34 pm. Well, it's not as early as I figured. I know even if I say no, they'll keep being around me anyway. "Sure," I say.

They all look surprised but don't show it for too long. "Cool, be ready in thirty." Valdez smacks my shoulder and they all leave my room. "I'm showering first!" I shout. Valdez is the only one of us who has his own bath and shower. I have no idea how Cgc let him snag that room, but there was no fight about it. Rhys, Cgc, and I share the hall bathroom. I gather my things and a towel before heading to the bathroom. I open up the mirror that has small shelves. I search for the ibuprofen and take 3. Maybe it'll help ease the headache. I swallow the pills with no help from water.

I hope the water from the shower will help me too. I usually shower with cold water, but I turn on the hot one today instead. I've also been sore for like a week since I've been working out so much. The warm water feels fucking amazing against my bare skin. I close my eyes and lean my head back, the water rolling down my face and chest. My mind reverts back to yesterday's events. God, it was horrible. Sometimes when I recall the memories of me attempting to take my life, I hate myself. I hate how weak I feel and I hate that I even think about doing it.

I always say I'd be better off dead, but that's not true. I can't even imagine the pain it would put my mom through. Not only losing one but two members of her family in a span of fewer than 5 years. Having depression wasn't a choice I made. It happened because of everything I went through with my dad's passing. If there was a way I could get rid of this forever, I would. I think I might start getting on my antidepressants again. Maybe that'll help a little bit.

Yesterday, the only reason I stopped was because I interrupted by Maddy. If her plans never would have gotten mixed up, I don't know where I'd be right now. If I'd even still be here. I start to think about the bar when we both got there. I can't deny the fact that I'm insanely fucking attracted to her. I don't know what it is about her that gets to me. And not in a bad way. Not like I get to her. I've always thought she was attractive, but after that one night where her opinion of me changed, mine did too. I still think she's a little brat and sometimes I'd rather hear nails on a chalkboard than her little remarks. The fact that she was able to get me to feel the way she did yesterday?