Blair

Best friend

My sixth grade so far has never been such a shame. I Remember the first half of sixth grade, it was kind of ok but bad. In my home room was an ELA class, I walked into the class room in the beginning of the day. There were very few people there. The smart board was playing a kids show. The teacher welcomed me in and directed me to my seat at the table. I took off my back pack and sat down. When more people came into home room, I didn't know a lot of people. I knew like one person and that's it. 3 more people came and sat down at my table and I didn't really know what to think about them. When everyone was there the announcements we stood and did the pelage of allegiance and the school new came on. I did not pay any attention to it but instead I looked around the room and tried to remember faces so I could make friends. But one person really stood out to me. She wore a lot of black, chains, rings, glasses, etc. I found her pretty but, not like that. I wanted to be friends with her. After the school news was over, the teacher introduced herself to the class. I was more than thankful she wasn't one of those teachers who are like "Ok, I'm going to go around the class and you introduce yourself." After 1st period went by it was

then second period. The bell rang for 1st period to be dismissed. Then I went out the class room and went into the hallway to go to 2end period. It was a mad house. People were pushing people, kids getting lost just floods and floods of kids. It was insane. I got to admit I also got lost too but I found my class eventually. I walked into second period same thing happed except the pledge and the school news. No one really stood out to me, but I did see someone who was good at drawing. For 3ed period was lunch. It would usually be at 12:00, but it would be in the same first period I was in. And again, I was with the pretty girl. We went to the cafeteria and we got to choose were we sat. Then the pretty girl chooses to sit next to me. I was nervous but excited. We started talking and her name was Blair. By the time lunch was over we became best friends. In the hallway when transitioning to the next class we would link our arms together so we would not loose each other in the crowd of people in the hall way. A week later we had to make a in- class project, but the teacher said we can choose a partner but it had to be someone we never choose before or someone we don't know. So of course, I choose Blair.

We pretend like we didn't know each other. So, we said stupid stuff like "Oh I don't know you." In a joking way of course. The project was making an example of a vocabulary word. I wrote the title of the project and colored because I have bad hand writing. And she wrote the words for the definition of the word. We were laughing and joking the whole time, but surprisingly, the teacher didn't say anything. We talked a lot about our interests, and we had a lot in common. She liked punk rock and metal heads, I liked the same punk rock and metal bands. She liked anime, I liked anime. When the project was over, we both got a good grade. We went everywhere together. But unfortunately, our schedule changed. We had lst period together and 3ed period, but my 3ed period got changed to a writing class. But before that we got each other's number. But little did I know she had a boyfriend. It didn't bother me until I caught feelings for her. I could not tell her, so I told one of her friends which was also mine. Her name was Geo, she had split dyed hair and wore a lot chain. I trusted Geo with me expressing my feelings for Blair. But then Geo told Blair. But I think Geo was just joking about it. And she was. Then suddenly, I lost feelings for her at a love like, so we just continued as friends.

Then things changed. What changed? One evening, I was at home chilling, texting Blair, I was sending her memes then she responded with "stop". She sounded serious so I stopped. She texted me a long paragraph saying how she didn't want to be friends with me anymore. I also had never been so frightened of people sending me long paragraphs until then. My stomach dropped. A minute later, I had a panic attack, then Geo texted me saying "I heard you and Blair are not friends anymore." I didn't deny it, so I just said yes. At that point I could not hold it in anymore. I told her how I feel about everything. I was balling while typing everything. I just couldn't anymore. I loved Blair; I loved Blair more than anything. I had flash backs with us laughing, making jokes and having fun. She was one of a kind. When she told me she didn't want to be friends with me anymore I asked her for one more chance, she responded with "I gave you so many fucking chances." She wasn't wrong. Apparently, I made her uncomfortable on accident. I was so blinded; how did I not realize I was not making her feel like that. The way she typed the paragraph, it seemed so prepared. I would go back time to not do things I have done. She was really one of a kind. Knowing that I may never hear her voice again talking to me, hurt me so much. I could not even bare it anymore.

The next day, I did not want to do anything- I did not want to eat, go outside, pick up my phone to text anyone. I was at my dad's house for the weekend so I didn't have any school. I groaned with exhaustion. I started at the picture of Blair for hours just thinking about her. I felt so un real, it felt so unbelievable. It all felt like my fault. It all happened in September; so that's why I hate September. Everything felt lost, it all felt so empty. The worst part it all felt like it was my fault. When Monday came, I could not show my face in home room. I sat down like normally trying not to cry, I saw Blair walk in. My stomach dropped, we made eye contact and that's when a tear fell. I looked away quickly and did my work. A few weeks later, she hexed me. She fucking hexed me. Now I know how much she hated me. At that point I decide to try to let go.

That did not work out so well. Then I just decide to hold on. And I'm not letting go until she forgives me. Right now, that's what I'm doing, and I'm sticking with it. A month later people told me "Just let go it happened so long ago". And all I got to say to that is shut up. Just shut up. I think you don't have any idea how much I loved her. I just can't anymore. I need her, more than me. I need her more like the air I breathe. I couldn't live another minuet. My 6th grade was fine until then. It feels like the cut that aways bleeds. Shes killing me. Then after another month went by anger just raised up in me. I told my Friend Amani everything. I wanted to kill Blair. I never had the desire to for anyone else. I even planned everything but I never did it though.

Instead, I just made fake seniors about it. My friend hated her as much as I did so she was with me; I guess. Then another few weeks went by and in home room. Our seats got switched around, so since we sat in table groups Amani sat next to Blair. I was thinking that they would probably start hating each other but the opposite happened. Blair is easy to make friends with. This current day in my life, they started talking, every day I saw them smiling and sometimes even laughing with each other. At that point I was just jealous, sad and mad. A few times when I saw them, I would start crying. But I tried hard to hide it. Today, I saw Amani and Blair laughing. We were doing class work so it was silent in the class room. Then I hear them burst out laughing. I tried to ignore the laughing but the similes on their faces just made me mad and sad. I feared losing friends and loosing hope. I'm hoping that she will forgive me because that's the only thing I can do, is hope or maybe manifest.