A Court of Souls and Shadows

17. Raven

I woke up with my head pounding. No surprises there. But I was alive. I tried to sit up, and black dots immediately started to blur my vision. I brought my hand up to my head and groaned. "Ouch," I said under my breath.

"No shit."

I turned to look where the voice had come from. It was Cassian. He was sitting beside me in an unfamiliar room. I was in a bed, still wearing my bloodied fighting leathers.

"What happened? Where's Azriel? Is he alive?" The words flew out of my mouth in a rush and Cassian held up his hands. "Whoa, slow down, Raven," he said softly. "I've been waiting to ask you the same damn thing."

"Where's the loving sense of worry that usually occurs after I get injured?" I shot back at him sarcastically, raising a brow. He shrugged with a smile. "You're tough as nails, kid. Knew you'd pull through."

"And Azriel?"

"Alive," Cassian confirmed. "But no one can figure out how. Care to explain?"

"I want to see him," I said, forcing myself to stand from the bed, ignoring the sudden bought of dizziness.

"You can explain on the way," Cassian said, grabbing me by the elbow to keep me steady. As we left the unfamiliar room, I realised we were in Rhysand's townhouse. "How long have I been out?" I asked Cassian. "Not long," he replied. "About half an hour."

Cassian led me to another room up the hallway, opening the door to reveal a very battered-looking Azriel, unconscious in bed, with Madja working on his wounds. His chest rose and fell evenly. Alive. I let out the breath I didn't realise I was holding. I fell to my knees, tears falling silently down my cheeks.

"Alive," I whispered under my breath. "Alive. Alive. Alive."

Cassian knelt beside me, pulling me to his chest and stroking my hair gently. "His soul... I could see it. And I panicked. It was leaving his body. He was dying right in front of me." My words came out in between heavy sobs, my voice utterly broken. "I panicked and I just thought that if I could take souls then maybe I could put one back in."

Cassian was quiet for a few moments before he spoke. "So you just... put it back in?" He asked. "Just like that?" He held me by the shoulders and pushed me back lightly to look at my face. I blinked back at him as he studied me. I smiled weakly. "Easy peasy," I said with a small shrug. Cassian shook his head in disbelief.

"Raven," he said seriously. "You tapped out all your power, dude. You had blood streaming out of your eyes."

I swallowed thickly. "I couldn't just let him die," I said, my voice barely above a whisper.

"You could have died," Cassian said.

"I know." I looked down at my hands. "But he's alive. That's all that matters." Cassian looked at me oddly, but before he could ask me any more questions, Elain burst through the door, rushing to Azriel's side. She was crying, and she threw herself over his body, her words unintelligible. A sharp pain lanced through my middle at the sight, and all the memories of what happened when I was touching Azriel's soul suddenly slammed into me, one after the other.

Mate.

I vomited all over the floor.

* * * * * *

Azriel remained unconscious for a week following the attack on Velaris. His wounds were complicated, and Madja worked tirelessly on them. Even his Fae healing was struggling with the sheer extent of them. He should have died. But he hadn't. Because I had interfered. No one besides Cassian knew what I had done. I was terrified of my power. Of what it meant. And I didn't want anyone else to know. He respected that, and promised not to tell. He was too good to me.

I hadn't told anyone about what I had learned when I'd touched Azriel's soul. That he was my mate. It didn't matter what he was. Because of Elain. He loved her. Everyone knew it. And I just wanted him to be happy. He had already been through so much. I wouldn't dump this on him and disrupt his life.

I was all filthy mouth, bad attitude, and rough edges. And Elain was everything I wasn't. Perfectly demure, soft, feminine. Azriel would never look at me the way he looked at her. And maybe that was for the best. He deserved someone like her. He didn't need my damage. I could hardly blame him for wanting her. I was lucky he tolerated me as a friend. It was the best I could hope for with him. I was sure I had imagined all the moments we'd had. Read into things too much because of the feelings I had for him. Feelings I didn't want to acknowledge, because it meant that I was getting attached to a place where I knew I couldn't stay.

I had felt like a means to an end for people my whole life. No one wanted me for me. They only ever wanted me for what I could do. After the war was over, I knew I had to leave. I didn't know where I would go or what I would do. But I knew that I couldn't stay in the Night Court. If I even survived the war at all.

The day that Azriel finally awoke, I avoided him completely. His survival was proclaimed a miracle. Elain never left his side, and I couldn't take being in the same room as them. Not when I knew what he was to me. The hurt in my middle hadn't gone away, but I recognised it for what it was. The mating bond, strong and sure, tugging at me, begging me to go to him. But I couldn't.

Azriel remained at the townhouse to recover, and I'd returned to the House of Wind with Cassian. Throwing myself back into training with him, trying to forget everything that had happened. He knew something was off with me, but he didn't question it.

The people of Velaris had started to rebuild, and the stories of what I had done had spread across the city. I had heard the whispers in the streets. They called me "death bringer" which was somehow worse than Soul Stealer. The stories of the "black rain" and the fall of the Attors was already becoming legend, and I hated it. I hated my power. Sometimes I wished I had never been burdened with it. But then I would catch glimpses of Azriel in the gardens with Elain. Still breathing. And the horrible power I'd been given became worth it, because it had saved him.