One-Shots

Loved You First

Here I am, lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling while listening to songs that describe the feelings that I have for you. You are the best friend that I wished for. Since that summer when you came back home here in the Philippines, I had hope. Hope that I'm going to be a girl that you'll cherish and love. And you did.

You know what? I already liked you when I saw your picture in your Angkong's house. Family picture, I think, when you graduated from high school.

Ten years na pala, ano? Ten years kayong nasa ibang bansa. Tanda ko pa noon, magkalaro tayo lagi sa bahay namin habang nag-iintay kang sunduin ng daddy mo o driver nyo. Close kasi yung parents natin.

I'm a shy person. The type of girl who is boring, who won't talk to you unless you talk to me ang peg and awkward, definitely not a social butterfly. Kaharap ko lagi, books and laptop. And then, you talked to me noong nasa bahay nyo ako because my mom wanted to welcome your family. Kasi naman, yung nanay ko opposite ko, kung anong kinaawkward ko sa mga tao, yun naman yung kinafriendly at hospitable niya. Kinumusta mo naman ako. I was silent. I was just staring at you. Bigla mo na lang hinila yung mga pisngi ko. "Hey. Speak. I know I'm handsome but don't stare at me like that. Talk to me, Yngrid, hm?" And then you gave me that lop-sided smirk that I love and dislike at the same time.

Ikaw yung unang lalaki (bukod sa kamag-anak) na naging ka-close ko. Ganun ba talaga pag galing ibang bansa, ang open masyado? Walang hiya hiya? Bata pa tayo nung last time tayong nagkita ah.

You held my hand and tagged me along, we strolled around your new house, introduced me to your little sister and we played with her, asked me to be your tourist guide because you missed the country where you grew up and told me that you are going to be my best friend. I thought, back then, I'm surely gonna fall in love with this guy. And I did.

Natigil yung pagfaflashback ko noong tumunog yung cellphone ko. Tumatawag ka at ngayon, rare na lang yun mangyari. Bakit? Because lately, may nililigawan ka.

"She's gorgeous", you said. "She's an angel", you said. "I think she's the one, Yngrid, ugh, can you believe it? Grabe, ang bilis ko pala mainlove", you said. I think I heard my heart cracked a little bit.

Natatakot at kinakabahan ako ngayon. Kasi baka tumatawag ka dahil sinagot ka na niya. At sasabihin mo sa akin iyon kasi best friend mo nga ako. Still, I answered your call.

"Hello?"

You called my name. Paiyak na nga yung boses mo eh pero medyo tumatawa ka pa. Nag-alala ako, binasted ka ba niya? Nabaliw ka na ba dahil tinurn down ka ng sinasabi mong 'The One' mo? Did she broke your heart like you've broken mine?

"She said YES. Eff, SHE SAID YES. I can't believe it. Can you imagine how happy am I, Yngrid? Grabe, ang saya-saya ko." You sighed and breathed a deep breath. "Come here at the park, will you? Yung tambayan natin. Bubu, you know, I just want to... hug you, thank you for all the efforts, for being there for me while I'm pursuing her, and for being the best best friend I ever had. Gusto ka nga nyang kausapin eh. Hey love, you said you want to talk to--"

Aaaaaaaand THAT'S IT. "Okay, I'll meet you there." I ended the call immediately. Wow, umiyak siya dahil sinagot na siya. Nakakaiyak nga. How I wish that I was her. Ako yung naging tulay niyo eh, ako yung laging assistant mo, tagabili ng dadalhin mo sa kanya, bokalista mo noong hinaharana mo siya, ako yung gumawa ng paraan para magustuhan ng isang babae ang lalaking mahal ko. Bakit ganun, sa ibang tao, ang nagtutulay sa kanila yung minsan nilang nakakatuluyan. Bakit sa ating dalawa, hindi? Ganyan ka ba ka-loyal? Wala ba akong panama? Ano bang meron sa kanya? But nah... I shook my head because I was having these kind of thoughts.

Nakikita ko na kayo. Tumakbo ako papunta sa inyo at hinigit ka ng buong lakas hanggang makalayo tayo. Pinipigilan mo ako pero wala kang magagawa dahil walang makakapigil sa akin. Pagbigyan mo na ako. Sumigaw ka lang at sinabi sa kanyang saglit lang yun at doon lang siya. Oo, saglit lang yun at pagkatapos nun, tapos na. Wala na. Tumigil ako sa garden malapit sa park. Niyakap kita.

"I miss you. I will always miss you."

"Ha? Ano bang pinagsasasabi mo, Yngrid? Di naman ako aalis ah", natatawa mo pang sabi sa akin habang niyakap mo rin ako at ginulo ang buhok ko bago humiwalay sa akin pero mas hinigpitan ko yung yakap ko kaya bigla kang napayakap ulit sa akin.

"Aba aba, nagdadrama ha. Huwag ka ngang ganan, di ako sanay eh. Tsk tsk."

"Kasi eh, may girlfriend ka na. Kasi may iba ka na. Hindi na ako yung babebibobubu mo. May iba ka nang paglalaanan ng oras mo. Kaya mamimiss kita kasi mawawalan ka na ng oras sa akin." Iniisip ko pa lang na mangyayari sa realidad at sa ibang babae ang dati kong inaasam na mangyari sa atin, gusto kong pumikit at itigil na agad iyon dahil torture yun eh, truth hurts nga naman. Pero wala akong magagawa, ito yung gusto ng tadhana, masaya kayo tapos ako malungkot at nasasaktan.

"Hindi yun mangyayari, ano ka ba. Best friend kita kaya may time ako lagi para sa'yo. Ikaw kaya yung katulong ko para mapasagot yung love of my life ko. Ikaw lagi babebibobubu ko." Napangiti na lang ako sa mga weird terms mo. Tinatawag mo lang sila ng ganun kapag importante sila sa buhay mo. Yun nga lang hindi ako ganun kahalaga sa buhay mo. May lumamang kasi eh.

Nagsimula na akong umiyak. Hindi ko na kasi kaya yung sakit. Ang sakit sakit na kasi, sobra. Baliw na yata ako. Ngingiti tapos iiyak. Pero ang sakit talaga eh. Na ikaw lang yung masaya tapos ako, miserable. Naramdaman mo sigurong nabasa yung favorite t-shirt mo na bigay ko sa'yo noong birthday mo at suot mo pa talaga ngayon sa espesyal mong araw (at sa araw na pipilitin kong kalimutan), kaya tinanong mo kung okay lang ako.

"Not gonna answer I'm fine because I'm hurting." Humahagulhol na ako habang nakayakap pa rin ako sa'yo.

"What happened?" Mas lalo akong napaiyak kasi bakas sa boses mo ang pag-aalala. Protective ka sa akin kahit hindi halata. Maglalakad lang o tatawid, minsan aalalayan mo pa ako. Tuwing may mga lalaking nakapaligid at kakaiba ang tingin sa akin o mga taong mukhang hindi matino, aakbayan mo ako o hahawakan mo yung kamay ko tapos hahatakin mo ako papalapit sa'yo at palayo sa kanila. Ikaw kasi, paasa. At ako naman, ito, just go with the flow pero umasa. Sino ba kasing hindi maiinlove sa lalaking sobrang boyfriend material? Bawat babae, gustong inaalagaan ng ganoon at tinatrato ng tama. Bawat babae, naghahangad ng isang katulad mo, gaya ko. Lalo naman ako.

"Love happened. Jane happened. You happened that summer when I met you again after ten years. I liked you since then. No, scratch that. I loved you since then. I am in love with you so much that it really hurts."

"What? What.are. you---"

Lalayo ka na sana sa yakap pero pinigilan ko. "Hush, let me talk first, please." And the good and obedient boy you are, you heeded my request. Yakap pa rin kita. Sorry kung matagalang yakapan ito. Eh sa ganito kita mamimiss eh. Mamimiss ko magkaroon ng best friend na sandalan at takbuhan ko lagi.

"I am so in love with you." I repeated. Niluwagan ko ng konti ang yakap ko. I kissed you on your right cheek. First time yon sa'yo na kiniss kita sa cheeks kasi ikaw lagi yung nangkikiss sa akin sa cheeks eh. Oh gosh, mamimiss ko yung pagiging touchy mo. "But I understand that I am not your 'The One'...

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I understand that I have to let you go." I whispered to you the phrases that I know will shatter me to pieces. Because I have to distance myself. Kasi diba pag may best friend kang lalaki at may girlfriend siya, irerespeto mo sila? And this is how I respect them. Because I was only your best friend who loved you first and I also have to understand the situation. Habang humihiwalay ako sa pagkakayakap, you're just staring at me. Dumbfounded. And I flashed you a fake smile with all that I could muster but I still tried to show you that it's sincere.

"Congratulations."

And then I walked back slowly while facing you, just to have a last glimpse of you. I waved you goodbye while tears are running down the cheeks that you've always pinched whenever I'm upset or I'm not feeling good. And then I turned around and ran away, from you, from my feelings, from the memories although I know they'll just haunt me again and again. I left my broken heart with you while you just stayed there and look at me ran away out of your life. Yes, this is goodbye for good because I can't bear to see you happy with somebody else. So, goodbye... Jean.

And as I ran away, I was busy focusing on how to escape the pain that I didn't notice the car coming at my way. The last thing I knew, I heard a screech and my head hit the ground.