Untitled stories

II

Part II

When I heard his name, all the memories we had before flooded in my mind. His deep voice, lively eyes and his dimple that are showing whenever he's smiling, I miss them.

“You're right mom, if he didn't meet that accident we're preparing now on our wedding”

I said with a low voice, it's been a year, but I can't accept he already died. We already have a plan for our future, the house we want, how many children we should have and What names we're going to give them, but it's disappeared like a bubble. Since that day he d*ed from car accident, I have been isolating myself because wherever I go I always saw him, my memories with him.

“Sweet, you have always been on your room since the day he died. I know you're missing him, but occasionally, we need to let go to move forward”

“ Do you think Nathan would be happy if you're being like this? Look at yourself in the mirror, you lost weight, and you neglected your work”

she said with a calm voice, I stop what I was doing and look at her.

“Mom, how could I let him go if he's the only man who show me what really love is, we already have a plan, but it disappears? Moreover, I-It is my fault why he died. He was driving, and we had a fight on call that night. I-I heard everything from the sound of the car crash until the Arrival of the ambulance. Before the paramedics lift him, I heard him say sorry he can't keep his promise. You don't know how I wish I can turn back the time and correct the mistake I made”

my tears keep falling while talking, it's my first time to burst out my emotion that I keep hiding.

“You don't understand what I feel, you didn't experience what I have been through”

I continued while looking on my mom, she's also crying.  Then, suddenly, she hug me and kiss my forehead that cause me to cry hard.

“Lesley, I'm sorry, I didn't know that. When I heard that news about Nathan I have also been heartbroken, you know that he's like my son because you and him been together since high school. Since the day he d*ed, everything changed. I don't know what to do if I'm going to lose you too”

I look at her, then I noticed mom look so tired. Ever since my father d*ed when I was a kid, mom been always take care of me. If I d*e, no one will take care of her she doesn't have any close relatives on both sides of my grandparents.

“Please Lesley, take care of yourself, I want to avoid losing you too”

her tears keep falling like a waterfall. And I can't help to feel sorry because of the burden I cause to her.

“Mom I'm sorry. I didn't think about what you feel, I'm so selfish, i always only think about myself”

“No sweetheart, no need to apologize, I also experienced this, so I understand, but I only wish that, please don't let the guilt and sadness destroy you. Occasionally, there are things in life that are not meant to be. Change isn't always a good thing. Change is sometimes exactly what we want. It can be difficult to accept at times. However, usually, change is the only thing that can save your life.”

She hug me tight

“you know Nathan will be happy if you stop blaming yourself because you know he doesn't like self blaming”

she continued, silent for a minute to feel the moment, but it's ruin because our stomach growls. We look at each other and laugh

“I guess it's time to eat, I will cook your favorite food, spaghetti”

she said while wiping her tears

“ thank you mom, oh later let's visit Nathan, I want to talk to him”

the fight we had earlier make me realize that Whether you choose to move on and try something new, life must continue on. Otherwise, you can remain stuck in the past, ruminating on regrets and mistakes made in the past.