All i ever wanted is a place to escape, some where i can escape my Head my child hood, my problems, my bad thoughts just to be happy for once. Ever since i was a little Kid i was treated wrong, when i was born i had Water in my Lungs which might would have killed me but sadly the Doctors could save my life. My Parents always used to say that i am usless and i should have died back then, things whould have been better.... easyer i didnt have anyone all i had is my stuffed Dog i got from my Moms friend i called him Wau Wau he was my absolute best friend the one that gave me comfort in the darkest times when the Windows where shut the lights out and the tears slowly dripping down. My Dad always had high excpectaions of me i always had to be his little perfect boy i should say yes to every thing he tells me i should get the best grade in every test i have, i should be the most Athletic person there is and win Gold on every competition. I forced my self into this perfect little Boy but still i was never good enough cause there is always some kid somewehre that did better then i did so i never got accepted by anyone. My Mom was always Blind to everything she never saw my did beat me up and she never heard me scream for her wehn i was literally 2 m away from her all she ever did is watch. U might wonder well didnt u have friends the truth is i gave up on friends cause i was so afraid to speak anyways and i was always made fun of, and the poeple i thought i can trust used to stab me in the back so there was no point in trying. It has been about 2 Years since i dont live with my Dad anymore ut what he did to me still haunts me to this day cause in the night every thing comes back the bad thoughts the realisation that u will never be good enough for anyone and that u cant trust anyone one. As much as i want to i just simply cant so i feel bad. It came to the point where my Head just went on auto pilot i just do the things i have to and im numb to every thing they say and do i havnt felt anything for about 4 Years now which now sucks when thing are slowly getting better i found the one that i want to grow with, rais Children with, do mistakes with and just enjoy when im with them everything fades all of my problems just dissapear like i never had them but when ever i cant feel them everything comes back i constantly feel like im not good enough cause they are every thing i could have ever dreamed of and cause i have been told that since i was able to understand. One of the worst days of my life was when my dad threw away Wau Wau the excrutiating pain was just over barring me, that was the point where i broke ididnt eveny cry anymore i fell to my knees and stood there whil every one just walked past me every one told me to get over it to be a man but that one "Toy" they threw away was everything i had. I know most pople wont understand that but in my Nightmare i dream about the moments where i was in the Lockerroom and everyone used to make fun of me because i had big blue ^stripes on my back cause my Dad used to hit me with sticks and i ran in to the Bathroom and used to change there and poeple would come there bang on the door and yell: " u good damn N*gga get out of there if ur master hit u cause u didnt work fast enough ur not allowed to hide" the teachers where right next to them and they would never do anything either and then some pople still ask me why i dont smile why i dont trust them the truth is i can't the constant agony is overwhelming me what u see as some loner kid is just a traumatized little Bunny with its foot stuck in a bear trap its so cute and nice but the constant agony is making live unbearable and makes them act wihtouth thinking. Another problem i have is that i cant connect sentences properly in my head cause i wasnt used to speaking or reading cause i never had aynoene to talk to accept of my School therapist that betrayed my trust nor did i read cause how could i when my sight was constantly blurred cause of the tears or i was unable to breathe cause i was crying and screaming which no one ever heard and for some reason i still used to do actions that would get me even more punishment like protect my Mom or my siblings, but i dindnt care cause i loved them and i would have done anything for them.
Anyways thats enough for today,
Have a great day.
Sorry for the Errors in the text my head is a bit all over the place.
