By Your Side :: A Countryhumans Anthology from the Anglo-Portuguese Alliance

I. Remarkable [England]

Once upon a time, really not so long ago, I was fortunate enough to be in the constant presence of a remarkable man for much of my life and almost all of his. You may have heard of him before, or even met this fellow in the flesh, and I wouldn't be surprised if you had. But allow me to introduce you nonetheless.

He was a fellow country of mine, although long gone: Portugal, the kingdom. County, kingdom, empire - it doesn't really matter what he was called at the time. That's what I knew him to be, although his son is now the one who bears the name. Over the years, I've noticed that it's hard to change one's memories, so deeply engraved and set into eternal stone as they are.

Why was Portugal, of all countries, the one to hold such a dear place in my heart? Perhaps it was fate, as so many are convinced life's events are a product of, or perhaps it was only the emotionless strategy behind the treaty that brought us together. Sometimes I convince myself of one or the other, and I'm satisfied for a fleeting moment, but that conviction sways like a galleon ship stuck in an ocean storm. 

Even now, I feel as if it's a miracle that I was so fortunate as to have had this remarkable, incredible country for a friend, a constant companion, and to have known him and his light for as long as God allowed me. I was, for a majority of my existence, at odds with all my fellows. Alliances with other Europeans never lasted, and it's suffice to say that my children overseas have moved on. Although relationships with other nations in the past few years have greatly improved, I've still found myself without what most would call.. a friend. Someone who was always there, who I could count on, who brought the sort of joy in life that couldn't be found in even the richest treasuries or the most plentiful river. Perhaps it was a punishment, then, a balancing of the scales, that the one who once commanded one of the finest empires in the world would be destined to be bitterly alone forever, and if that is true then I'm sure you can see it is a sorry fate.

I miss him dearly, and although I would never wish stagnation on any nation, I sometimes romanticize what might have been if I could separate person from nation. If he could have, like many other past empires, lived on - not as a country, but just as a person, free from the responsibilities that burdened him. Sometimes, I feel as if this is selfish thinking; he was suffering, and, towards the end, he took it as a blessing that his pain would soon be relieved from his chest, that the blood would stop pouring out. But, some dark nights, I wonder if there could have been anything to be done to prevent it all in the first place. Then, however, I'm immediately reminded of a bitter fact.

If I hadn't made the choices I'd made, under the guise that they were for my country's best interest, perhaps I wouldn't be so alone. Perhaps the years where I'd lost everyone could've been averted. But I made that mistake, and many more, and to this day I have not yet shaken the guilt and regret from my soul; such is the torment imposed on a country when he is distracted from his duties by others. His heart and his head tear in separate directions until it is, suddenly, too much to bear. Though, I digress. This is a topic for another time, and perhaps it'd be best explained in the moment.

I find myself reliving vivid memories, and although I have grieved, cursed the heavens, thrown a couple violent fits and honest-to-God cried more times than I'd like to admit, I can still say with confidence that I have learned to move on. Not to forget, but to accept. Even still, there are again moments where yearning memories surface in my mind, bittersweet, and it feels like I've been pulled below the surface and dragged into the murky waters of time.

I don't know why a man such as him would ever find in me any sliver of a person who could be loved as much as he seemed to devote himself to me. What's easier to understand, of course, is why I loved him: I admire his humanity.

For men horribly married to the concept of their nationhood, life consists of no more than fighting over power. I've been constantly moving, charging forward to seek more treasures and more power or fleeing pursuit in order to retreat with my life, recuperate, then fight on another day. I'd never thought about what else there could be until I got to know him.