Things I'm Thinking About

Entry 1

the way he holds my face when he kisses me. he kisses me like he wants to kiss me, not because he feels obligated to do so.
he treats me like the most beautiful girl in the world, he doesn't see me as an item or another sex thing.
his selflessness. the way he's so gentle with me. the way he looks at me and slowly smiles, never breaking eye contact.
the way his eyes are pools of gold when the sun hits them
the way i thought i was overthinking the pain i was brought by a man for 3 years, when i could've been treated so good.
you didn't want to listen to my music, he will sing every song with me and hold my hand for the songs about love, squeezing softly when they talk ab falling
you would play your music so loud i couldn't hear myself think, and we couldn't have a conversation in the car. you'd turn the music down to hear what id say and turn it back up without a response. he turns his music low or completely off so we can continue our conversations
you would have to be touching me at all times when we were in public, and it would make me uncomfortable but i thought it was how things were supposed to be. i didn't know any better and you knew that. he gives me reassuring small gestures and he gives me small hugs very rarely because we save our affection for when we're alone
our love languages are the same
we both feel things so deeply and we both care more than we probably should
he's talented
he's gentle. he never wants to see me hurt, he protects me but he will never smother me. one of my favorite things about this man is his gentle touch. i fell off his back and he helped me up with the softest hand on my arm.
he is never afraid to apologize if he feels like he needs to, i've heard more apologies from this man already than i ever heard from you.
i didn't know how to love, and you taught me in every way how not to and now i'm damaged. i'm damaged because i think every comment or silence or extra long pause is a sign that i've upset someone. i have to keep reminding myself that normal people don't treat others the way you treated me.
narcissistic.
he asks me every day about my day. he sits down in front of me so he can see the way my eyes react and my mouth moves. he listens and he cares. he wants to hear about the crazy customers and the awful coworkers because he cares about me and my day.
he's soft and gentle.
he is good.
you are bad.
and i will never let myself feel the pain that you made me feel from another person
i'm angry at myself every day for letting you treat me so badly for so long, because i didn't know any better. i was a kid.
i'm angry that you took advantage of me when i was tired.
i'm angry that everything was my fault.
i'm angry that i let you be my everything, for so long, and then you still wanted more from me. i never felt more emotionally drained than in that moment. i gave my everything, i mentally and physically had nothing left to give. you always believed that you gave 100% to the relationship and that i gave a mere 25%.
he listens to the things i say to him and he gets excited when i get excited, and when i get more into my story i see his smile start to form on the outside of his lips. it's so nice to be heard, but not just heard. listened to. he wants to understand, because he cares more than anyone i've ever met.