The day you left, was the day everything went down-RanbooxOC

Kapitel 19 - Today i feel bad and thats okay

Lillith pov:

Ich war wie gefangen in meinen eigenen Gedanken.

Sie waren meistens nicht mehr als Gedanken,klar sie waren da,aber du konntest sie beiseite schieben.

Nicht heute.

Today Its nothing in particular that led to this event.

Sometimes Its just like this.

I stare at my sealing,letting my thoughts slowly devoir me.

Because no one understands me , hell I dont even understand myself.

I feel so empty, and I know how I am supposed to react to things so i do it, no one finds that strange cause how long have i been doing that anyway.

in another way i feel way to much contact burn on skin,i jum at the slightes louder word,i feel like i am dying,i breath in but dont actually,i suffocate but not.
I sit in the bathroom crieng while my family sits at the dinnertable, because my mum lectured me about not doing my chores as she asked.

In another way i just shrug off the bad grade i got because i couldnt do anything but stay in bed while the assignment not because i was sick just because i didnt had the energy to even eat just lay there in bed and slowly feel the half darkness devoir everything me included.

But everytime a car crossed by our street the porch light would light up and a little light brought into the darkness reminds me of how irrelavent i am and how not important i am , no one even wondering what i am doing.

I feel alone,isolated but so exausted everytime someone even tries to approach me,what they usually dont do.

I wish someone would care but not actually enough to spend time with me.

When do you call someone your friend?

I want friends but not keep in touch with them,meet up, because i am scared a word might slip they will hate me and its haunting me every night every word i said could be taken as an insult, now they all hate me if they don't do by now and i ruined it all.

And i know i overthink a lot,i make up scenarios in my mind t make me cry just to sleep faster.

I drink nothing for days just to test it how long and heavy the headaches can go.

I dont hurt myself,not physicly i do it motionally it is a short sharp pain and you can cover it up no problem.

Because who would even notice your red shot eyes when you sleep?

do i have anxiety?
do i have Depression?
do i just act it  all up for attention,is this puberty is it normal to be numb almost all day?

is it normal to be called a robot cause how littleemotions you show?

and why do all people see me as a siluet of the image i slowly pieced together to at least look fine.

 i am a pretty decent liar and people believe the lies i tell.

if you feel empty its fine, some people are like tat most of te day,if your emotional let it out dot bottle up thts not healthy.

why doesnt just igoring irt doesnt work anymore i did it all middleshool and now its all to much or just turned off.

like i am standing beside myself in 3rd person.