My Beliefs

14/01/22

This journal describes my life and what my art means to me. I believe that most people who do art are not right in their head. They have a sick mind which allows them to see the world differently from those who take the path of math and physics. This page will most likely never make it into my journal because I would get sent to months maybe even years of therapy; these are the demons that I have to deal with every day - the things I think about and go what the fuck was I thinking? Why was that a good idea? You don't have to read this if you don't want to. I should probably put a trigger warning on it. Some people who read this might not be able to handle the things I've seen or done...I am probably blowing things out of proportion, but I believe that these events have shaped my art and how I view things today. I hope whoever reads this understands that I am not a bad person I just made many stupid fucking mistakes.

I think the best place to start is when I was 13. I was in my second year of high school and I self-harmed two days before my Christmas exams. The reason...fucking stupid. I lacked any connection from people in the sense that I didn't believe that people liked me. Sounds stupid I know but I didn't have a good connection with my parents (I still don't) my dad and I would fight constantly, and I felt no connection with my parents. I know most teenagers go through this but it hit me pretty hard because I felt no love as a kid, I saw my parents as people who would mentally abuse me. The pain and hurt I experienced was brutal and I didn't want to be near people.

I didn't have friends in primary school because I cried all the time and was seen as weak, so when I started high school, I toughened myself up and I did not take shit from people. It was great in first year because I was finally seen as a person. However, I became too clingy in second year, and it causes people to hate me. I snapped. I went home and cut my left hand to shreds. No scars. I was too chicken to cut any deeper and I did not know-how. I used a razor since it was the easiest thing to find.

I felt nothing really. What people who have not self-harmed do not understand is that no one actually enjoys cutting. We hear things on the internet about how if you cut across you are looking for attention and if you cut down you need help. It's fucking sickening but hell that life. Cutting is a method, a very unhealthy method, to release the emotions we feel because we do not believe there is any other solution. I did not feel much afterwards. I only felt more pain from the cuts.

I saw a message from a girl who I thought was a friend saying she heard what happened and said that said how she heard what happened and was so sorry and had no idea that I felt that way. I was surprised. I was told that my friends did not like me and were sick of me and that I would be better off dead. I broke down and cried over the phone to her explaining what I was told and how I was so sorry. To keep a long story short, she told the pastoral care team and I had to see the principal. I was humiliated. My parents were told, and they asked me at home if I was ok and what was I thinking. I lied of course and said I was ok. I did not want to end up like the teens who go to so psychic wards and have to attend therapy with other fucked up teens. Lying was the best option.

That experience was really shitty but I feel like it was one of the most important things that happened to me when I was growing up. I will keep the rest of it simple. At 14 I was groomed online. At 15 I was groomed by a 30yr old guy. I gave bjs to him after school. I was given a social worker because I told someone that my dad was mentally abusing me. I had told my vice principal that a year ago my dad was hitting me and abusing me more mentally than physically. However, my vice principal thought that I said one week ago instead of one month ago and that didn't go well. The school and police thought I was full of shit and so the cause was dropped, and I was given a social worker because I was the PROBLEM. Its crazy what that does to you. How much that fucks with your mind. I wasn't a person anymore. From the ages of 15 till 18 I had 5 social workers. It wasn't until I had my final social worker when I was 17. She gave me a voice and I became a person again.

When I was 18 things got worse again. I started doing porn and became a cam girl and it was funny because I was very popular. I had 3000 views live on my first night. After a few months though I started having breakdowns again. I started camming during the start of the lockdown in 2020. I had just finished a livestream and got a message from a viewer. He sent me a screenshot of his lock screen on his tablet. It was me completely naked with my legs spread fingering myself. I panicked and broke down. I never even realised how much that scared me. I stopped camming all together after that and got my first job.

A few months later, I was so stressed out. My dad was fucking with my head again; gaslighing the fuck outta me and I was fighting back. I wasn't taking his shit but the toll it took on my mental health became incredibly hard to handle. I found a way to move out and started saving up. My dad however didn't like how much I was saving and had me paying rent. £300 worth of rent each month. I had to come up with a plan. That amount of money alone was about 70% of that months wages. So, I started lying I would say that I didn't make the same amount of money anymore. Of course, my dad didn't believe me but I was one step ahead. I had opened a secret savings account and started moving money into it. After 3 months I had enough money to leave. I had help from a homeless charity that works with young teens. In May 2021, I finally moved out of my parents' house and became fully independent.

I am ok now. I am going to university in September and can support myself financially. I took two gap years in 2020 and joined a college to continue my studies. This year I joined the campuses Student Union and I am now the Equality and Diversity Officer for the campus.

These past six years have helped me to develop incredibly quickly. I was fully independent at 15 incase something happened and I needed to leave my parents' house. They got way with what they did because they had a big house in the country. My parents are WELL off and don't need to worry about money. I was called spoilt and a brat growing up, my favourite phrase being "you don't know how good you have it" or "Stop being so spoilt". These were said when I stood up for myself and stopped taking shit but it tells you all you need to know about older generation parents.

These events influenced my art and my beliefs. I want to show how I suffered going up and I also want to change it. I joined student union to make a change because change is necessary. My art represents the demons and hardship I have faced; how if I can survive and make a stand so can others who are in the position I was in 6 years ago or worse. Sure I had it bad but others had it worse and I never forget that. There is always someone else who needs help.