platonic crush // dwt

dear clay,

I'm so so sorry it had to go this way. I wish there was some sort of happy ending this could've come to, but I know that that's impossible. I'm too far gone. There were so many factors that affected me, how my trauma formed, how my life kinda just went to shit lol.

I feel angry- at myself, at Tyler, at the entire fucking world.

I feel guilty about this whole thing, because I know you or someone else is gonna find me fucking dead, and obviously that's not a pretty sight.
And- I don't want you to think that this is some like super sad tragic thing, because I really don't think of it that way. People often think of suicide as this last resort choice for people who are so sad and depressed and devastated. That's not what this is.

This is me ending my life, after thinking about it a whole fucking lot.
This is me deciding and planning an end to this awful cycle I've been stuck in for basically my entire life.

And I feel so awful about it, not for me, but for you. For Nick, for George, for my mom, even for fucking Aera.

I'm so sorry, Clay. I love you so much. I'm sorry we couldn't properly say goodbye. I'm sorry your last memory of me was a bad one. I'm sorry you probably had to see my literal dead body.

You don't deserve any of this, but I do, and in order for me to do what I need to do, you needed to endure this. I wish you didn't. I wish I could kill myself without any of it affecting you.

You are so fucking loving, and it's so fucking easy to love you. From the moment I met you, I felt comfortable and welcomed and appreciated. And that's pretty hard for me to feel. I really felt like you cared about me and that you would protect me if you had to. I was right- you got a fucking black eye to do just that- but not only that, you protect me from myself.

That sounds cheesy as fuck, but it's true. I hope you know it's true. I hope you believe it's true. You have made such a positive impact on my life, Clay. I love you so so fucking much. I don't think you'll ever understand how much of my heart is taken up by you.
I swear to god no one has ever loved anyone as much as I love you. You literally brighten the universe. You have a beautiful energy. You are so beautiful.
Fuck, you support me through everything, you make everything fun, you're so talented, you always seem to know what everyone needs, you're so caring, so kind, so fucking amazing.

You are an amazing human being.
I honestly don't know where I'd be had I not met you.

You are so loved. You are so strong.

I love you so so fucking much.

Love, Ava