Never Saw This Coming

No More Hiding.

Xander

Notes full of research are sprawled all throughout my bed with my laptop open up in front of me. This heavy research paper isn't due for another week, but I've never been a procrastinator, so I started it when it was assigned. I'm on page four so far and am completely blanked out. I can't seem to focus and my head running with thoughts doesn't help either.

I groan with frustration and lean back against my headboard. I need some fucking motivation.

Me: almost back?

I text Rhys. He and Cgc went out to the beach today a couple of hours ago. I could use a good distraction right now but no one's home. Well, Valdez is, but he's knocked out and I don't want to wake him up. He's been working hard for football and he doesn't get much sleep. Not as much as he should be getting anyway.

I close my laptop and gather all my papers together, shoving them into one of my drawers. I'll work on the paper later on when I can actually focus.

It's only been three days since Maddy and I had that stupid. . . fight? I don't even know what to call it. Three days later, I'm still regretting my decision on telling her how I felt about her. Honestly, I don't even know why I fucking said it. It just kind of came out all at once and I couldn't take it back afterward. She heard me the first time, I knew this. I tried to play it off but I knew she heard me already.

I didn't go into that night knowing I was going to tell the girl I loved her. It wasn't even a thought in my brain. It just happened at that moment and I fucking surprised myself too. That doesn't mean I didn't mean it, because I did. I meant it even if she believed that I didn't. God, I can't believe I said it.

I've been punching myself internally for it. If I would have never said it, everything would be fine right now. Everything would still be the same and we'd be okay. I would rather have just sex with her, than not have her at all. She was right. Everything she said yesterday was right. She and I were never meant to be more than what we were. Over time though, my feelings just got deeper and I tried so many times to stop them but I couldn't.

I knew she wasn't going to react the way I would've liked her too. Knowing Maddy, I expected a little worse. Her words would've cut deeper if I actually believed them though. I don't believe her fully. I may have gotten a little ahead of myself and said she loved me back, I know that's not true. Even though it fucking hurts to admit it. I do think she has some type of feelings for me. How can she not? What we have is more than sex and she knows it. She has to.

If she doesn't, I think I might just give up on her. Loving someone who doesn't love you back kills and I can't add that on top of everything.

A knock on my door takes me out of my thoughts. I look up when the door opens. It's Valdez. I look down at my phone but don't see a reply from Rhys yet. Valdez closes the door behind him and looks around my room like he's never been in here before. I furrow my brows. "Yeah?" I ask. He looks at me, finally, and slowly crosses his arms over his chest. I can't figure him out right now.

"Quick question?" he starts. He stands at the edge of my bed and I only look at him to continue. He sits down on the edge and I move my feet to allow him the space. "How long?" he suddenly says, not making eye contact with me but with my sheets. "How long what?" I ask more annoyed now. He looks at me now and motions his head to me. "Have you been keeping a secret from me? And everyone else?" he says, easily.

My face drops slightly, but I recover quickly. "What the hell do you mean, man?" I retort. Maybe I shouldn't get defensive. If he ever found out about my depression this wasn't the way I wanted it to happen. How could he even know about it? "C'mon bro. Just tell me the truth. I think you've lied about it enough." He runs a hand through his dark brown hair. I sigh heavily and shake my head. "It's none of your business, Valdez. I don't have to tell you guys everything," I say, defensively. I need to chill out for a second.