Rejections

Rejections after Rejection.

Sugal kung sugal, e. Sino ba namang ayaw jumackpot diba?

Basta during those days, I was seeking for the love that I couldn't get from the people around me: from my friends and family. I want an attention from a certain person, I want his care, I want to hear every little thing from him and I want to share everything to him.

Syempre I know my worth. That's my golden rule. Pero ewan ko pag dating sa pag-pili ng taong mamahalin, I want to give all I have. Ubos kung ubos.

And then eventually I realized na It was wrong.

Being in love and rejected by them completes me but shattered my heart at the end. Tinanggap ko, kasama naman yun sa pag-mamahal, e.

Pero it wasn't the rejection who hurt me the most. It wasn't the day I got rejected because it actually happens to anyone. It wasn't the "Friends lang tayo" , "May iba akong gusto", yung pagpaparamdam nila na hindi ako yung pipiliin nila or yung bigla nalang nilang hindi pagpaparamdam. It wasn't the pictures I saw after being rejected.

It wasn't the day na bigla nalang kayong hindi nag sabay ng recess, lunch at uwian. It wasn't those nights na hindi na sila nag padala ng mensahe at sulat. It wasn't those nights na naubusan na kayo ng mga salita.

It wasn't the day na nalaman ko na may relasyon na sila sa iba bigla. It wasn't the day na makakasalubong ko sila pero hindi nila ako matingnan na parang hindi kilala. It wasn't the day na paulit-ulit akong nagpaka-tanga.

Hindi lahat yon.

It was the trauma they caused me. It was the sleepless nights, overthinking, and pillow-shout at night. It was the day I felt worthless and neglected.

It was those nights na iniisip mo kung anong kulang at mali sa'yo? iniisip mong oo't mabuti ka namang kaibigan pero bakit kailangan higit pa doon ang ipinaramdam sa'yo?

It was the perfume that I always smell anywhere and it always reminds me of him. It was the places we've been. The memories that keeps on haunting me every single of the day, specially at night. At exactly 11:11.

It was those sundays na paulit-ulit mo nang isinimba na sana hindi mo nalang maramdaman yung sakit kasabay ng pagkapahiya sa sarili mo.

It was the songs after rejection na paulit-ulit akong dinudurog dahil pangako at ala-ala mo ang dala nito.

It was the fear of falling in love again. It was the failing grades matapos mapabayaan ang hinaharap sa pagka-abala ko sa sakit na nararamdaman.

It was the years of healing process after the rejection. Kung paano kang nag dusa sa araw-araw na pinili mo nalang sanang hindi gumising. Sa kung paanong nag-sawa nalang ang luha kakapatak, at ang isip kakatanong. Mababaw na dahilan pero malalim ang sugat na iniwan.

After that first rejection, kasama ng mga kaibigan kong palaging nandyaan sa lahat ng katangahang napagdaanan ko during those days, binuo ko ang sarili ko. Wala namang choice kung hindi mag patuloy.

Two years of healing, at sumugal ako ulit. Only to get hurt again. To get broken again. To hear those "ilang beses na namin sinabi sayo yan", "umasa ka kasi agad", "naniwala ka naman don" and "I told you..." again. It was hard. Tangina sobra.

Pero wala naman akong magagawa. Tangina sino bang ayaw sumaya diba? Sino bang ayaw manalo sa tanginang sugal na yan? Kung alam ko bang matatalo, tataya ba ako? Hindi naman e.

Tumataya ka, kasi umaasa kang may swerte.

Kaso wala.

Palagi.

Pero ok lang, ang mga kaibigan nasa likod lang yan. Suwerte parin pala ako kasi anytime puwede akong may kalabitin maski isa sakanila.

Kaso inaabutan ako ng hiya. They are the one who stops me from the start. But I chose to continue and keep on chasing pavements. Pero ang ending, tama sila. Hindi nanaman ako nakinig.

Binuhat na nila ako noon para maka-ahon. Ngayong ako na ang nag-lubog sa sarili ko, magpapabuhat nanaman ako? Nakakapagod magpa-akay nalang.

Kaya hindi nalang. 'Wag nalang mag kwento. Hindi dahil ayaw kong malaman nila. Kundi dahil sa kakaunting hiya na meron ako.

Bakit kasi kahit alam nating mangyayari, e, nagpapatuloy parin tayo?

Rejected. One word pero it can break you into million pieces.

I am accepted and loved by my friends and family, why would I care for the people who keeps on rejecting me and never sees worth in me, diba?

At some point, I'm guilty na I didn't find the love I want in them. Nasa harap ko lang pala sila, kung saan-saan pa ko nag-hanap.

I am loved. I always remind myself.

At sa ilang beses akong nabaliwala, nagpaka-tanga at nag tiwala sa sarili kong pag-asa, kahit papano naman may natutunan ako...

na kahit ilang beses kang ireject ng kahit sino o kahit pa ng mundo, you are more than worth it kung hindi mo irereject ang sarili mo.

Maraming chance, kaya mong ibigay sa iba pero sana bigyan mo rin ang sarili mo.

'Wag kang matakot ma-reject, 'wag kang matakot mag mahal. It wasn't the love that hurts you after all, it was the wrong timing and the wrong person you choose.

Keep believing in love, even how scary and complicated it is. Always choose to spread love, even after rejections. Even after everything that love caused you.  And even after being rejected, you are loved.

Rejected by him, but loved by many.