Escape

( 1 ) She gave up

9:00 AM

I brushed my long hair and tied it up like always. I checked myself in the mirror a last time and left the house. I wonder what's gonna happen to the future me. How will I be like?
I don't know if that woman and I will be the same. Hopefully she'll forgive me for those bad grades at school, haha.

The wind blew in my face, walking there on the street I felt like a star. The sky is gray but the air is warm and soft.
I arrived in the school yard fifteen minutes earlier like always. This is where Anna and I always meet up in the morning. The yard started filing up with people, but I still stood there alone.

These days Anna isn't coming to our spot. We see each other in class but still eat dinner together. It's been a few days since she's being a bit cold with me. I always spend hours overthinking about it and wonder if I did anything wrong. Anna and I met this year, but ever since we did, I feel like the sun is always smiling at me. She made my life better and gave me the envie of going to school and live.

Every time I see her, I feel my heart beating fast. It does this because Anna makes me feel warm, finally accepted in society.

I once tried killing myself...
Anna was the one who came running after me, telling me how much I meant to her and how much she loved me.
I often get those dark ideas, but then I think of Anna and they go away.

I stayed standing there until the bell rang. We share lockers but her bag and books weren't in there anymore. It's been a week since she's not really talking to me. At dinner, she sits beside me, eat and don't talk. We greet each other and go on our path. It's weird. Anna feels like a stranger now, a stranger with a piece of my heart in her hands.

While going in class I bumped into on of my friend, Maryam.
Maryam has short black curly hair and glasses. She is a really shy girl who doesn't talk to a lot of people unless she's close to them. We started talking and went to class together. Even if I was laughing hard and having fun with Maryam, my eyes were in search of Anna.

I know deep inside that something ended between us two. I have this weird feeling of detachment from her side.
Soon I saw Anna entering in class with three other girls.
Maybe she wants to spend time with them...it's all right.

It's all right......
But this is what I've been telling myself since weeks now, and the blood of my cuts are still leaking on the tissue of my clothes, even if I told myself that soon it'll get better. I've been saying soon Anna will be back, soon I won't want to kill myself like I always did. Soon the sun will shine back on me.

I sat to my place and did as if nothing was. At dinner, Anna and I met up outside at our spot with the little white table. I sat down and opened my empty lunchbox. " You have no dinner? " she asked like it's the first time she sees me without food at school. " Haha, I forgot my lunch at
home ", I told scratching my head.

" Oh okay. Look, I wanted to ask if it was okay if I was gonna go eat with Jazzie and the girls ". I gulped in my already dried throat. " Yeah no problem! You don't need to ask you know? ". She smiled and walked away. I stared at her walking form and sadly looked down as she got further away.

If only I had the strength to ask her to stay... I don't. This is how I've always been. Too scared to tell my father to stop hitting my mom, too scared to stand up for myself whenever my parents start pushing me down. I closed my lunchbox and took it in my hands. I don't even want to pretend I don't eat because of stress.

I walked in and saw Maryam eating alone. " Wanna eat with me? " she asked as she saw me passing by. I nodded and sat beside her. I didn't even bother opening that empty lunchbox. I just lied that I already ate, like always, like at home.

A week later it was the same thing. Every morning when I walk to school, it's like a movie that keep playing on repeat.
The only change is the weather and the clothes I wear.
I try to be colder toward Anna to make her realize that I'm a bit hurt about it. It had no effect on her.

There is that girl who I hate between them, whenever I try to be with Anna, she always comes and takes my place.
Even when it's just about to be in a team for a project, she's always the first one going to Anna. I was scared that Jazzi would one day take my place. I don't need to be scared about it anymore since it's already the case.

Anna and I had a few fights about this whole friendships situation. She keeps saying the same thing over and over, that she couldn't stay forever alone with me and that friends aren't always supposed to be together.
She's right. I wish she wasn't.

I always wanted to have a friend in life that would be just mine. Like Anna and I were. Going to the store together at night, escaping from reality. Whenever we made video calls until we both fell asleep. It was just her and I. I was scared that one day we would separate, here I am with her already lost.