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The trip from Portland, Oregon USA to London, England, was exhausting - especially since the flight I was supposed to take got a four-hour delay.
Not only was I stressed out about this big change in my life and professional career before, but now that I step foot on UK soil, I was feeling my anxiety kicking in. Don't get me wrong, my Australian teammates, Lydia Williams and Steph Catley, were already playing in Arsenal and played a big part in my choice of team, while Sam Kerr, Alanna Kennedy and Mackenzie Arnold also weighted in, playing in different teams. Regardless, change is scary, and this one was huge.
A driver from the team came to pick me up with Steph and Lydia on board, as the two Aussies jump into my arms, very happy to see me. I hadn't seen them in a few months, having spent Christmas with my family in Australia, before going back to Portland to say goodbye to my old teammates, to finally come here in London. While Steph and Lydia were already rooming together in two-places apartments at the heart of London - endorsed by Arsenal - it also meant that I was going to room alone.
Realizing I had lost my smile as soon as we got on the car, Steph exchanges a look with Lydia, as they both smirk.
"Jeez, Cait, you're gonna be just fine, trust us" Lydia exclaims, openly mocking me
Steph, who was a bit more sensitive to people with anxiety disorders like I have, just pats my shoulder and says:
"Cait, for real, you've got nothing to worry about: this team is really amazing, and everybody is really nice. You'll fit right in."
Setting my jaw - I know people usually don't understand what I am feeling ; like, that my whole world was shattering as soon as a bit of insecurity appears, or that something or someone I don't know appears without a warning. Change was frightening to me, but not only: the unknown was what scared me the most. Invading thoughts such as 'you're not good enough to play at Arsenal', 'people will find you weird' or 'Lyds and Steph are lying to you, you're not gonna fit in' just appear in my mind.
Instead of saying anything, I just nod my head, as they change the subjects, babbling about the girls of the team - but, to be honest, my brain just went blank, as I would go into a dissociative state, jut nodding my head.
After an hour in the car, I finally see the huge Arsenal logo, as I was expected to drop by during one of the physical training, sign my contract and stuff before getting home. Absolutely exhausted, I feel my heart pounding against my chest when I hear the laughs of who were on the verge of becoming my new teammates. Lydia and Steph walked into the training grounds firsts, as I force myself to step in.
Right away, when people spot me, they stop doing their exercises and smile at me : they know who I am, probably because of my Australian teammates, and also because I am part of a National Team and have played against them already at some point.
