The Last First

Do you ever ask yourself if this is the last time I will do this? For example, did you know the last time you were going to go outside to play with your childhood friends? Or the last time you would hang out with a close friend? How about spending time with a beloved family member? I believe we forget to savor the moments we had with the people we cherish the most until it's too late. It sounds melancholy I know but I feel that's necessary, in order to have highs, one must have lows. Experiencing a last first doesn't always have to be depressing, when I look back on this life defining moment I enjoy it to its fullest. January 1st 2021 at twelve oh five a.m was the start of many last firsts I would ever have.

The sounds of champagne glasses and cheers to a hopeful new year surrounded the bar, I watched my brother kiss his wife and my sisters kiss their boyfriend/husband, I felt like a seventh wheel but I also felt amazed at the love they showed to their spouses, once more I found myself daydreaming of a time where I could have what they have. My thoughts of my happily ever after were shattered by the sudden embrace of a familiar voice; my cousin who decided to be a wingman of sorts finally arrived, he grabbed me close and gave me some words of encouragement before pushing me towards the bar. I scanned the bar praying that no one would catch my eye, my cousin's "advice" echoed in my head "all you have to do is introduce yourself" my inner monologue scoffed at the oversimplification of how to talk to women, there is no way it's that easy. My willingness to stay true to my New Year's resolution was already beginning to fade. Five minutes in and I couldn't take it anymore, I wanted to go back to the old "me". This new fresh out of the oven me was too raw. When did I become such a quitter, a few minutes after making myself a promise, I already wanted to break it? I can't go out like that right? That's when my first last would happen when I saw her for the first time or should I say bumped into her.

I asked her if she was okay and if I had managed to spill my drink on her bright yellow dress. She waved it off as a simple mistake and our eyes locked. In my head I said "Wow you have the most beautiful light brown eyes I have ever seen, like looking into an oven window watching chocolate chip cookies bake." All I managed to get out was an awkward goofy giggle. I mean I giggled y'all and not in a masculine way either. I was having a rough start but I tend to finish strong. She held out her hand and introduced herself; it was that easy for her. I gave her my name as she brushed her hair behind her ear. I asked if she wanted to get a table and talk, she accepted my offer.

All we could find was a booth, people might have mistook us on a first date but I didn't care how it looked on the outside, I was drowning in the big pools of caramel called her eyes. I was nervous, small talk is something I avoid since I'm so bad at it. I did have an ace up my sleeve, with this particular night I could bypass it with a simple question: what is your New Year's resolution? Her gaze fell to the glass of red wine she held in her tiny hand. Unsure of what to say she replied with "I'm still figuring that out." She asked for mine in return. I took a deep breath and told her "my resolution was to try". She tilted her head in confusion as a slight smile formed in the corner of her mouth-that was the first time I would see how she responded to an intriguing answer, she did it when trying to see someone else's point of view.

"Most of my life, particularly when it comes to my interpersonal relationships I never try, I don't go out of my way, I just do enough to where it's not a problem. With the exception of family of course but I want to change that, I want to behave in the same manner I do with family with friends and romantic interests. I want to put myself out there and get out of my comfort zone. I start tonight by talking to a complete stranger as if we were old friends". I don't know what it was but she was actually listening to what I had to say, she was engaged in the conversation, it was something I wasn't used to. I told her how I had almost given it up because it seemed too hard and she replied with a helping hand. She wanted to help me try, I could only think of one thing that would actually make any difference in my personal growth. She agreed to make this night our first date.

I will admit, I didn't see her coming to that conclusion, I said what I said half jokingly but she said she wanted to because she felt I could help her as well. So we got to know each other with first date type of questions: Hobbies, music, books, family and everything in between. I told her "one of my favorite things to waste my time on was playing video games" and she followed up with a question I never get to respond to: "what made you become a gamer?" It took a second for me to gather my composure. "I started playing when I was a teenager, in a time when I felt I had no control over anything I did. I would go to school and there people told me what I can and can't not do. I would go home to the very same thing but when I turned on that Xbox, I felt in control because without me the story couldn't move forward." I felt shame after revealing that part of me to her, like somehow I had blown my chance with her. She thanked me for the insight to who I was as a child and then she told me her favorite hobby was hiking, she loved the outdoors, she loved camping- on our second date she would take me hiking on her favorite trail, where she got chased by several bees and I tripped and fell over a rock, landing on an ant hill. We would spend the rest of that weekend indoors.

Our drinks were now empty and I offered her a refill. She asked me to get her the Leonetti merlot 1993, which was an oddly specific choice, she said "it holds a special place in my heart, like a good luck charm". Her parents were married in 1993, her dad bought Leonetti 1993 as a gift for his new wife and on their twentieth anniversary they shared that same bottle. I set the full glass on the table as I made a joke about the crowded bar- I would eventually find that she has four different laughs; a short giggle followed by drink or bite of food when she wanted to be polite, a loud awkward laugh she uses when at work, her devious low chuckle when she thinks she is alone, and her genuine laugh when she actually think something is funny. I finally noticed how close she was to me, we started off on almost opposite sides of the booth and now we were so close we could hear each other whisper. She took a sip from her glass and asked "okay what is a song that you like to sing when no one is around?" I laughed and told her " it's Passion fruit by Drake and I still can't help but sing it when there are people around, I don't care who sees or hears me sing it, it's my jam".- she would bring me back here roughly a year later to sing that same song with her on top of the bar after I got my promotion at work.

Then we got to the important stuff like family, I told her I was the oldest of my siblings and she said she was the middle child. We shared the crazy adventures we had as we showed our battle scars from a bygone age when kids played outside. She picked up on the vibe that my siblings and I were really close by the way I spoke about them and how she wished she were that close to her sisters- the first time I met her sisters they were having trouble seeing eye to eye about their fathers health, he was having problems with his heart and they left me in the hospital room alone with him as they continued their disagreement outside in fear of worsening his condition, we actually bonded over being the only men in the household, I told him after my brother left it was just my sisters and my mom, I couldn't leave without making sure they were ok. On the drive home from the hospital she told me she hasn't seen her father warm up to someone so fast. I was happy to hear that and then she told me she loved me, without hesitation I asked her the second most important question I could ever ask her.

The bar began to empty as I waved to my brother as he headed out the door, gesturing to call me when I made it home, she told me her Uber was waiting outside, I grabbed her hand without thinking and led her outside. I opened the door and stood there wondering if I would ever see her again. The window came down revealing her beautiful smile. "Give me your phone" those four words brought so much happiness as I told her "I don't know how long I can wait for a second date". She asked "do you have any plans for next Saturday?" I shook my head. " Then we can go hiking for our second date!" I could only get one word out if I said anymore, I don't think I could control my excitement. We said our goodnights as I watched the taillights fade into the night. I quickly ran back inside and found the bartender and asked if there was any way I could buy the Leonetti 1993, he shrugged and he charged my credit card. The bottle was still half full, I couldn't stop myself from smiling, I knew I wanted to give her this wine for our twentieth anniversary.

Spoilers I couldn't wait twenty year, so I gave it to her on our tenth.