Worst feeling? Not being able to find the right words to describe what's exactly going on inside you. Let's talk about how hard it is to open up to someone about being sad for no reason. Let's talk about how hard it is to explain to your friends and family that you have this heavy feeling in your chest for no reason. Let's talk about how hard it is to understand why you're having a panic attack while just taking a walk back home. Let's talk about how hard it is to understand your own self and how scary it is to feel like the whole world is falling on your shoulders and you have no idea why. Sometimes you'll have a couple of good days, and then it hits you, everything. It hurts to talk, to love, to be. Existing is so difficult at times but no one wants to hear that. No one wants to know about the days you spend crying or curled up in a corner somewhere or wishing you could be anywhere but here. We all have our ways of coping with it. We all have our very own acts of survival, our ways of staying alive when we're in too much pain to feel anything at all, I get it. This isn't life anymore. This is just about getting through the day. I hope that one day it'll be something more than that.
Thats just how it is when all the clouds in me are raining.
It is just a usual Monday morning. I'm trying to convince myself to get up and get ready for work. I'm sitting on the corner of my bed and take a look over to my boyfriend who is peacefully asleep. I feel tears welling up in my eyes. I love him, but why is he in love with me? I'm not enough. He could have someone better than me. Someone who gives him what he deserves. I can't give him enough love. I can't even give love to myself. Should I breakup? It would be so much better for him. A kiss on my forehead interrupts my thoughts. He knows I got lost in my minds. He puts his arms around me and is holding me tight. He knows words won't help. I can detach myself from my thoughts. I gently release myself from his arms and smile at him. I whisper to him that everything is fine. I secretly know, and probably he does too, that this is not the truth. I slowly get up and start making breakfast for us. During the breakfast we talk normally and for a brief moment my world seems a little less gray. But unfortunately, this doesn't last long as I take a look at the clock and realize that I have to go to work. On a day like today, I don't even notice how beautiful nature is blooming around me. On a day like today, I don't hear birds chirping like I usually do. I arrive at work and see that my hated colleague shares the shift with me today. Wow my day couldn't be better.
The work distracts me a little bit from my thoughts. An elderly woman enters the store. She looks at me and says hello in a friendly way. I say hello back to her and look straight into her bright eyes. I can see pure enjoyment of life in them. They are just beautiful. I wonder if someday I will feel this feeling of pure happiness too. A glance at the clock tells me that my shift is almost over. I don't like my job very much, but I know that I do it for a good reason. To have enough money to take a break in Canada with my boyfriend to free my soul from all the stress here. I walk home, dreaming about it. Once there I realize what day it is. My favorite day! I finally have dance lessons again. Dancing is my passion. I feel so free there and I also see my friend with who I have shared this passion for over 10 Years. As soon as possible I pack my bag and set off for training. Once there, I am greeted by the lovely voice of my friend. We enter the dance hall together and for a brief moment it feels like home. All my negative thoughts seem to be gone. We start directly with the warm-up in order to start dancing as quickly as possible. Then we practice precise techniques, which I take great care to execute as perfectly as possible. My trainer notices this and praises me in front of everyone. I feel pride raising in me. Finally, the time has come. Our trainer starts a contemporary song and gives us the task of improvising. I close my eyes and let the sounds affect my body. Automatically I start to move. I can feel myself completely surrendering to the rhythm. I feel free, happy and passionate. I'm afraid that the training will end. I'm afraid the rain clouds will come back inside me. I'm afraid of falling into a deep hole again afterwards. I wish I could dance forever. But I know it's not possible. My trainer's voice interrupts my thoughts. Our next task is a partner exercise. Of course, my partner is already set. We face each other and the music begins to flow through our bodies. One of us dictates the movements and the other is the reflection. We begin to move and are the image of each other. In this moment we are so connected with all our emotions. We understand each other blindly. Time flies like in flight. Unfortunately, the training ends after this exercise.
After the training, my friend accompanies me a little bit on the way home. We laugh a lot and I can feel how good it feels. We say goodbye to each other with a hug. Arriving in front of my apartment door, I see a light shining under the door crack. Did I forget to turn it off? I open the door and immediately notice a bouquet of roses. Next to it is my boyfriend who smiles at me, comes up to me and hugs me. I can feel tears of happiness rolling out of my eyes. He gives me the feeling of security. He wants to help me, be there for me. I'm not alone. I have so many wonderful people in my life. I know they all will make it possible to free me from my destructive thoughts. Thanks to them all the clouds in me will stop raining. Maybe not today and not tomorrow either. But at some point, my life will also be full of joie de vivre. It makes me think of the older women I saw at work today. About her bright eyes. The thought that my eyes will shine like that too is simply indescribable. I release myself from his arms and look at him. I whisper a thank you to him. We spend a nice evening together, laughing a lot and just having a good time. It's getting late and I'm also very exhausted from my day. We lay down, my boyfriend gives me a kiss and wishes me a good night. I am not able fall asleep. Too many thoughts swirling around in my head. I'm afraid of the next day. Fear of social pressure. In our society it is almost completely normal to be dissatisfied with yourself and your life. You should always conform to a stereotype. It's all about performance and pressure. Where is the time to love your life and especially yourself? How am I supposed to love myself when only perfectionism reigns on social media? Nobody is perfect, but everyone wants to be. And that is what destroys us. That's what make the clouds rain inside me. I feel myself being pulled closer to my boyfriend's chest. I take that as a sign that he knows what's going on inside me. With the thought of having him by my side, who always catches me and is there for me, my eyes slowly close.
