Tuesday, June 12th 2018
I thought Anna would be excited when she woke up but instead, she woke up screaming and crying. She was scared and confused because her butterfly clip had been lost and there was suddenly a new one by her bedside. Was this some sort of sick joke from one of her siblings? I didn't mean for this to happen. I just hated to see her upset and wanted to put a smile on her face. Instead I put fear into her head.
I listen as the mother scolds her children about the clip and then throws it away. I'll fish that out of the trash later. Right now they're leaving again. I didn't realize this would be a daily occurrence once again. This feeling of loneliness and sorrow. Everyone gone for 8 hours a day. No one around but me and my thoughts.
The more I'm alone the more thoughts I have and the more thoughts I have the more angry I seem to get.
I think about Ivy and how she has to hide some of her interests due to fear. Fear of getting hit by her bastard father or fear of being bullied because society has normalized being they're definition of perfect. A definition of perfect that isn't even perfect itself. She feels she has to hide her music taste, her hobbies, her talents, all of it.
I think about Melanie and how I feel sorry for her because she thinks it's her fault she can't give her kids a better life. It's not her fault though. It will never be her fault. Ray has trapped her here. He has warped her mind. Warped her mind into thinking it's normal to be put down and to be hit by someone who is supposed to love her the most.
I think about Peter and how he's mostly quiet. He only speaks out when he has to. But he has such good ideas. Such a bright mind. Although he doubts himself. He doubts his interests, his academic skills, his sports ability, everything. I wish he would express himself more. He could do great things if he wanted to.
I think about Anna. She has trouble sleeping at night. Her little brain is filled with all these thoughts and all these worries, it makes me so sad. She's a kid. She should be having fun not thinking about how if she wears her favorite items to school she may not come home with them. She's 8 years old and worried about her weight because the kids at school said she should lose it.
But most of all I think about my Dorothy. I think about how happy she used to be. How I should've noticed her emotions better leading up to her death. I should've saved her, I should've complimented her more. I should've played more of her favorite songs, should've taken her out more, should've given her a child, shouldn't have encouraged her to drink more when we were young. Maybe if I didn't she would've been able to have children. Should've cooked for her more. I miss her so much.
I lose track of time and suddenly I hear a loud crash outside. I peek through the curtains. Two cars got in an accident right outside the house. I'm immediately nauseous with fear praying none of the family was in one of the cars. Thankfully they weren't but the passengers were badly hurt and one of the drivers was dead. I watched it all play out as the police arrived. Drunk driving accident. Such a shame these days that people are more caught up in drinking and social status than their own lives.
An hour or two after the accident everyone finally comes home. I missed them so much. I felt even lonelier today. It's been nice having them around, even if they don't know I exist.
Melanie made soup for dinner. Dorothy used to love soup. Her favorite was cioppino, a delicious fish soup. After they all eat everyone piles up in front of the tv and scrolls through netflix for 20 minutes until they all finally decide on a movie Annabelle Creation. Interesting. Eventually once the movie is over everyone is worn out and they all go to bed.
