Date: October 16, 2008
Diary,
Yesterday, I called Jecris just to make sure if he would be selling his 6120 phone. In calling him (since I did not have any airtime load), I used the phone of my mother (with her permission of course). Unfortunately, she and everyone near the kitchen did not notice at all when I asked permission (This unnoticed notification in borrowing the phone grew big as everyone in the house reprimanded me for NOT ASKING FOR PERMISSION later? Whew! Oh life living in love, you always get into trouble!). Well, after having grabbed the phone and went outside, I called the owner of the 09296487009 number (This was of course Jecris Lou Enoc.Lol.) I was expecting Jecris to be very rude at me since it was I who was calling him. But to my surprise when I heard him said, "Elix?" I realized I was not at all using my number, I forgot that I was using the phone of my mother! Anyway, with the 3-minute dialogue with him, I felt I was so bad because he was so nice to me over the phone. His voice, which I would try to describe, was very warm that he was just talking to me just like the old days when we still had that good relationship. I missed those days actually and I did not know God would be very kind to give me the opportunity to experience a day similar to those good times AGAIN. But I did not know what he got into his mind that day because when I asked the price of his phone (which I heard from Jeramy L. he would be selling), he told me to buy him for a night instead. "What was he thinking of me? Desperately in love with him that I wouldn't be considering the consequences of his offer? Hehe." But you know when he said that, I kind of liked it (Well at least over the phone, he would be offering that to me!). And with that offer, I was almost about to say, "How much will it cost me to buy you?" But I did not dare because suspicions might hover over me if someone from the family might hear that inappropriate question. Hehehe. Another thing I got struck was when I informed him that he was just irresistibly so nice to me over the phone. I said, "But-an lagi kaayo ka sa ako karon! Hubog ka noh?" And what was so overwhelming to know was that he was not at all drunk confirming and explaining that he was really a good person (Yehey! Yes! Hmmm...Was he really sincere with what he said? Well, I asked him why he was so nice that time that is why! Hehehe. And his explanation... simply stabbed my heart after the bad things I did.).At this point, I do not know why I keep on hurting him after constantly pleading me not to tell anyone of his past (His past is actually controversial which I find very worthy everyone must know.). Perhaps, the more you hate the person is when the more you love him? I don't know. Maybe I am just misled by emotions ruling over me. But to know his past, I must have immediately avoided him a long time ago. But it's not. I become more attracted to him? (Yuck! Why was I saying all these hair-standing lines!) But it's true! I do not see myself envy for what he did with someone. I do not see myself making love with him. All I see is a time where I am with him sleeping on his chest for the rest of my life. In the first place, I was not attracted with his tangible assets (although I would admit he had a very manly scent on his back which I loved smelling everytime we traverse Calinan to Toril just to fulfill MGP tasks). What I got so drawn with Jecris was his intangible assets. His voice accompanied with his eloquence in speech makes me understand every point he says (Ooowz...He simply pauses perfectly in every thought line. Rrrhhh. Simply uncontainable!). Well, he's just a man full of admirable talents - drawing, singing, speaking, dancing, writing, and acting. What else could you ask for? I never had imagined I could see a man packed with all those gifts in my CRITICAL YEAR in school (Why have I not noticed him before? Why! Why did I only notice him when I am about to leave the school?). But if others will tell me, "Elix, you may just be attracted to him because you see the ideal qualities which you want to have." Well, they may say that. But for me... I don't desire anymore to have all those qualities. Why desire when I can have him to teach me those skills. But honestly speaking, what I only desire is to have him always by my side where I can hug him, and rest from all my problems on his shoulders. (Ehem! What are you talking about Elix? Are you in love?). (Oh come on Conscious Mind, have you just realized only this time that I was in love?) But what are the real bases of love? Does my feeling on him fall under love? You see I become less promiscuous these days actually (This I may not be visibly projecting in the surroundings but internally I have tamed myself not to get excited when I see good-looking guys. You see, I become more of a man. But I turn into a woman when I get close to him. LOL.) My attachment also to Jecris opened a lot of good relationship with others. I mean having to be hurt like this when he wouldn't reply to my "Good morning handsome" texts or without noticing me after our misunderstanding over the scandals still payed some high interest. Sr. Maribeth and Sr. Sheryl who were very new to me before became my friends and counselors. Hence, I become more close to the PM Sisters now. The teachers also whom I felt comfortable with became closer to me as they gave their professional advices in matters of my insanity, obsession, and attachment to the object of my affection (What's this? A direct expression of saying I was really never in love but only obsessed? Oh no, this is not against any of my beliefs that I'm really in love. I am really falling in love with someone! Hehehe.) But you see having to get all these good relationships with others made him (Jecris) even farther from me. One thing I never wished to have had happened and to get worse as it is right now.
