It's Complicated

Naomi

My mornings for the most part nicely put can be hecked . With two babies usually clamoring at my hips before the sun can even crack through my eggshell blinds. My Three year old Zionna was already wiggling at the knob of my door; forcing her way in. Her petite feet pitter pattering on my wood floors. Shuffling quickly through the darkness of my bedroom. Making her way over to my monster of a king size bed. A bed frame I love so much but had no business taking up so much space in my tiny bedroom. But I digress

uggh...no....I thought to myself.

Afraid to make even the slightest of a noise. She inched closer and more and more my anxiety began to creep over me.

This morning I swore up and down would fair differently. By switching my alarm from the normal 6:30...to 5am; I was sure I rise before the early birds and buy me at least an hr for myself. 60 mins to brush my teeth in peace, Scrub away yesterdays worries in a hot shower, do something more to my hair then throw it in a messy bun and maybe just maybe have a decent breakfast. Something that does not consist of over sugared up McDonald's coffee nor have to force myself to scarf down a greasy egg McMuffin while simultaneously driving. Taking a few bites every time a red light beams at me. I never liked how dry and brittle the mcmuffin was. And the egg was usually rubber and sometimes even slimy. But on normal days I suffer through, eat it quickly as I rush on the blvd to drop off Zionna to preschool and baby Kenya to her my mothers.

That was the norm...but today I wanted to actually enjoy some breakfast I made. Or at least a fresh cup of coffee from the state of the art Espresso machine my best friend Elise bought for me as a house warming gift. It was way too luxurious for my small simple kitchen. A magnificent masterpiece of stainless steel. With so many bottons and nobs to push I felt a little dumbfounded when E first brought it over. It was like having a starbucks in the middle of your home. And the cup of cappicino she made for me on moving day was one of the best coffee's I ever had. I satiated my caffinated dreams. Sadly 4 months in this place and thats the only cup Ive had from the thing since. Most mornings I have just enough time to heat up some water to place in my portable tea mug. Adding a strong black leaf tea bag with a little honey, as I heard my little lambs on out the door.

Damn...I really thought I wake up before the kids. Cant a mother get a little bit of time for a small coffee? Maybe one day?

Maybe Zionna would get scared of the darkness of my room and retreat back to hers. Maybe if i lie here as still as I can, I thought

and breath a little shallower...slower...maybe she'll catch a hint and decide not bother me and sing to one of her barbie dolls instead? Why does she wake up this early? You aint got no job tommy!

I continued to listen in with my eyes closed tight. I could hear her little voice grunt while she roughly pulled at my white cotton comforter. i knew exactly what she was up to. She was climbing on my bed frame to hoist herself up to the feet of my bed. She struggled for a moment and I worried if she would fall on her little noggin. Hurting herself and worst of all screaming loud enough to wake baby Kenya. But in the same breath I knew better. She had climbed my bed a myrid of times and always successfully poked at noggin; until i was forced to awaked.

And this morning would be no different but I kept hope alive anyway. A prayer that she grow tired of unsuccessful jumps and just go back to bed. But that was just wishful thinking. With one hard pull at the corner of my cover and thrust of her tiny legs, I could tell without looking that Zionna had successfully hoisted up, and was nestled at the bottom of my bed. And like a creeping cat, hunting small prey, she slowly crept closer and closer to me. My groggy eyes squeezing tighter. And my body growing stiff as I continued playing possum. At this point it was all for nothing; I was only prolonging the inevitable. She Crawled passed my legs and with her entire body weight she fell hard on my bare stomach. Causing me to shriek and groan in pain a bit. And that little hint of noise that escaped my lips, was the confirmation she needed to screech right on back at me. ANNNNNNNNNND ATTACK!

Mommy! Mommy Up! Mommy up now! Moooooooom

The sound of her squeaky voice made my ears ring a-little. And the weight of her little body now pressed painfully on my milk filled breast. I was able to bite my lip and muffle pain shooting through me like knives. Enough so that to my eyes shot open like a rocket launching off into space. And Little white dots twinkled about in contrast to the dark of the room. From closing my eyes too tight. Yup...another typical morning it would be indeed. And as a sign of defeat i reached over my arm to hit my night stand crystal lamp, imluminated the grey painted walls. And revealing the sparkling round eyes of my oldest child. Starring back at me with a warm smile. Like it wasnt close to 5 in the morning. Still...even in the mist of my stanky mood, her pools of brown earth captivated me. Melting my heart just a little more each second that goes by. Reminding me why I work so damn hard in the first place. For what its worth...I love being a mother. And I'm a damn good one at that.

"ugh...good morning nugget."

I said with a throat full of sand. My voice is naturally Raspy and deep, but even more so when I wake up wake up. And she never fails to mock my voice. And laugh and giggle like its the funniest thing she ever heard.

she nuzzled into my swollen breast causing the shooting pain to return. Reminding me that I needed to pump for Kenya before she wakes up. Might as well bathe Zionna now since she is up. Usually i wash her after i am dressed. And staining my favorite white blouses with soapy bath water. Not today miss thang...You getting ready first this go round, Im on to you. And just like that another normal day begins. I brushed my teeth with the nagging of questions in the background. A bubble bath taken together to buy time. All went smoothly until Kenya screamed herself awake because Zionna chose to not only turn on her favorite morning cartoon. But she just had to blast it as well. Causing the 6 month old to jolt out of her rest and scream with fury. Causing me to almost knock one of my pumped milk bottles all over my work papers.

Shit shit....I muttered as I stressfully grabbed at the paper and cleaning up a little bit of the spilled milk.

The blaring of blues clues with the mix of Kenya howls nearly sent me over the moon.

God dammnit Zee! Rushing over quickly to turn down the tv to 5. scolding the little one with my hot eyes. Sorry Sorry quickly poured out. I said nothing and quickly grabbed her close and quickly put on her jacket. Sit down and be ready when i am was all I could mutter as I rushed over to Kenya. I rocked her a little hoping she would simmer down but it was no use. When she woke on her own normally she would just sit there. But if she wasnt ready to wake up the only thing quiet the cranky baby was one of my breast. And even though i didnt have time to stop and feed her...i was forced to do so anyway. I pulled out my left breast and held kenya nestled in my arm. She quickly knew what time it was and thrust the nipple into her mouth. Biting and tearing at me a little. Finally she latched on comfortably. And i hope she would be long on me....oh how wrong was I. I could tell after she had satified her hunger she went on to turn me into her pacifer. I didnt have time for this...I had to rip her away for me, if I was going to make it to work on time.

I still had to drop them both off to two different places. Kenya to my moms, and Zi to pre school. Sure enough Kenya screamed the min I yanked her away. But i tried my best to ignore her as I finished dressing. Thank goodness Zionna actually sat down and watched her show. Last week right before leaving she got into her paint supplies as I went to pee. She was covered in red and blue heavy paints. And I was forced to remove her uniform and wash and scrub the stubborn paint off. Making me 15 mins late for her daycare and 45 mins late to my job. Thank god that wasnt the case.

It didnt take me long to dress and bundle up the kids. Within mins they were in the car strapped in and ready to go. Too bad Kenya was relentless in her crying. It was seriously giving me a headache. But I had to bear it the whole ride. Eventually both children were in their respected places... and for a brief ten mins I was able to gather the most beautiful sound in the world....Silence. Sigh...Today started off pretty rough maybe I might be a little on time today I thought.

Well that was before 95 dashed my dreams by being backed up for 20 mins...yup. This was a typical day for me indeed. Welcome I say to you.... And have a first class seat with me on the crazy train called my life.