Today was my 18th birthday. Whoopeedeedoo. Whatever. I guess I shouldn't feel so disappointed. I never really believed in love. Since I haven't paired with anyone before my 18th birthday, I can no longer choose my mate. Not that I would intentionally love anyone. But I believe in free choice. Not getting stuck with any weirdo under the sun some mystical force thinks I belong to.
Oh well.
"Harry." I gently nudged the international popstar with my foot. He was lying naked on the floor. For some reason he liked the coldness of the floor. He says it reminds him of Zayn's soul.
"What?" He mumbled. He didn't bother to move from the floor.
"We can't keep doing this. I feel like I'm lying to myself every time I'm with you." I almost choked out those last words. I've been meaning to end this for months now.
"What?!" He bolted upright. "You mean no more naked tickle fights?! Are you sure?" His eyes were as wide as a titan's mouth.
"Yes Harry. I know that I'm the only one who tickles you the way you like it, but Niall needs you. You guys have been tickle buddies for years now, and I feel like I'm ruining your relationship. I'm sorry Harry." Tears were streaming down my face. They were forming a small puddle on the floor.
"If you say so. Goodbye Reston." A solitary tear slid down his face. Without another word he slipped his boots on and left. I turned away so I couldn't see him walk out the door. I knew the tattoo he got of my face on his left buttcheek would make me well up with guilt.
When I heard the door slam shut I got up and took a shower. I had my bags already packed and ready to go. I just needed to make sure I looked as hot as possible when I arrived. Once I got out a took a selfie of my naked body. Then I put a reminder on my phone to photoshop it later so that I had chiseled abs and man legs so I could put it in my male modeling portfolio. When on the run, you never know what career you'll have to pick up in a hurry.
After I said goodbye to my landlord, I climbed into my ice cream truck (I drive around in one because I like to mess with all the little kids in the neighborhood) and headed for Colorado.
Dooshhaht Pack, I'm coming home. >:)
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Arrival and whatnot
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As I entered the Dooshhaht territory, I could already smell all the anus cakes. I mean-perfectly respectable pack members. I felt a little happiness well inside me. Even though they did cast me out because I was a real gnarly looking mofo, I spent almost over 9 years of utter beauty. But now was no time to dilly dally. I have a mission. I have to get Eyeamth to pair with Moeran, my sister, before he turns 18. Only then can I restore her honor.
In my pack, you NEVER sleep with someone unless you're paired. But if you're paired, its totally okay. You could be three months old and no one would care. Which should say a lot about the leadership in our pack. But if I can get them paired, all disgraces would be undone. Even if it meant my sister would spend the rest of her life with Eyeamth, it would be worth it to uprank her in the pack. Seriously, if I do this for her she can give me unlimited ramen and donuts.
Passing the shops and main attractions of the town, I finally arrived at the gate of my childhood home. A llama farting rainbows adorned the crest of the gates. I will forever question my parents sense of design.
I typed the number sequence into the codepad. Maybe they haven't changed it after all these years? I was right. It was 1-2-3-4-5 as always.
I strolled past the gate into the house. I almost crapped my pants when I saw my parents just casually playing chess. Naked.
Holy crap! I've only been gone like 8 years and they already learned how to use their brain? I mean come on, chess! They can play chess! I was starting to think they didn't even have one. Between trying to fry eggs in the toaster and trying to breathe under water, their stupidity amazed me. And now they're playing chess!
I started sobbing. I had waited for this moment my whole life. It was finally here. My parents had brains after all!
"Uh, who are you?" My dad asked inquisitively. My mom looked at me perplexed as well.
"I-I'm your daughter, Reston!" I choked out.
"Oh honey!" My mother exclaimed. "Puberty really did well by you!" I lowered my head a little and blushed. They accepted me again!
"It's wonderful to have you back sweetheart! Now, can you tell us what this weird box with these weird voodoo dolls on it is? Your mother and I have been trying to figure out what this is. Who is this big crowned one supposed to represent?"
The smile immediately left my face. Even after all these years, my parents were still idiots.
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Hey guys, this is a satire. Its not serious. So just keep that in mind.
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Getting Revenge On The Hot Alpha
Humor"You're sexy," he growled at me. I really didn't want to fall under his spell. And I could tell he was trying his hardest to get with me. I didn't want to end up like the rest of his escapades. Boken hearted and bitter. "And I always treat the...
