I woke up today, nothing new there, and knowing it was a Friday I sighed feeling as though I never even wanted to go through with life or any of it's properties.
I don't have many friends which doesn't really matter, if I ever feel lonely I just go on my I-pad and play on a social game. In this game people seemed to think I was a happy person, boy are they wrong?
I played on my I-pad for awhile acting all happy n' sweet n' stuff.
To be honest every morning I wake up feeling like I could and probably should take my own life, I feel entirely useless in this would of loved people.
So I got up, had breakfast, got dressed, same as usual. It worries me though, I've grown used to sitting on the crowded bus and to think that when I'm older I'll have to stand up by myself and do things all alone with no help whatsoever. I guess I just think to much now with being alone all the time.
I wasn't always this upset about being alone, all my way through my first school I had been the only one in my year so when I moved up in schools I had no one to turn to and no clue how to make friends, probably why I barely have any.
The reason I feel my life should be ripped away is because one of my dearest friends tried to commit suicide, if she had succeeded I would've gone insane, as well as my grandfather dying near late November, before he got to give me a coo coo ((I'll spell that right one day)) clock I've always dreamed of having. Now the stupid clock makes me want to rip it apart.
Anyways I hopped off the school bus along with my, basically only, friend. I always keep my head down when I walk as I try my hardest to block out people insulting me. Me and my friend quickly stormed into the social area as I was afraid of people I didn't trust or know that well.
After awhile the school bell rang, thankfully, me and my friend were in the same class which would be science. I couldn't care less about any of my lessons, my job was to be good at them not to enjoy them, but my friend loathed science.
In that class I would sometimes cry due to what I think about, for that I get called a crybaby and such, the worst part about being caught crying in that class by the teacher is that she knows my parents and brother very well, my point being she could easily tell them.
I already knew pretty much everything our teacher was talking about so I went through most of class drawing in my school diary and writing suicidal notes in it. The teachers must of noticed because my mother said they told her to look at it as it was containing things about. "How many nooses does it take?!" Here I was referring to the multiple times I've tried to choke myself with anything I possibly could. I immediately rub those notes out afterwards though.
Don't get me wrong I can be physically happy at times, I just find it hard to smile since my friend tried to take her life and with being insulted by so many people, and I rarely ever fake a smile I simply don't think I have the right to live here anymore.
The rest of the day passed through in a blur and I found myself in my last class, maths, it was very easy and I was one of the top students in that class. As the end of school nears I take a quick nap since the teacher doesn't care if I do anything wrong, if they do something I don't like I look at them in the eyes intimidating them causing them to stop or let us have fun at the end of the lesson.
I have two greeny-bluey eyes. except one is more blue and the other is more green. They used to both be a vibrant bright brilliant colour but now all the cheery colours from them have faded away leaving them a duller shade of blue and green, my guess is they changed as I cried myself to sleep more and more each night.
I woke up with my eyes slightly damp and only ten minutes left until I could go back home and shut myself away from everyone trying to loose friendships with them so that when I finally commit suicide they won't be hurt and everyone will finally be happy and get the life the truly deserve without me.
I stay behind after the bell for a minute waiting for everyone to leave so I can go last, making sure to stay away from everyone. I go out into the corridors and my face turns a bright shade of red as tons of people walk down the corridors getting too close to me for my liking. I keep my red face pointing down and immediately walk as fast as I can breathing in the cool crisp air before getting on the bus, placing my bag in the seat next to me, and going home.
