Prologue
I never knew what it felt like to fall in love. Really fall in love. I’ve had boyfriends, serious ones, but what I felt with them didn’t feel like love. I went through the typical rituals after our breakups: crying, watching The Notebook, reading sad books, and eating way too much chocolate. But I knew in my heart that what I had with all of them wasn’t love. It was something completely different. Something I never would have known about if it wasn’t for Brock.
He taught me what love was supposed to feel like, what it does to your soul. That love can work fast or slow or sweet or wild. There is no Policy Sheet on love. There are no rules.
It just works.
Chapter 1
I stared down into my milkshake blankly. I wanted to cry, to get out all the emotions I was feeling- Sadness, confusion, anger- but I couldn’t.
“I just don’t understand why you’re doing this to us.” I said shakily. I turned to face him. He was staring at the picture of the Beatles. Back when they were just starting out. When they were all alive. Happy.
He didn’t hear me. “Tom?”
“I’m not doing anything to us, Gracie.” I hated when he called me that. “I just, I think we should move on before one of us get hurt.” He said facing me. His blue eyes showed no emotion at all.
Too late, I thought. I took a huge sip of my milkshake and got out of my chair. I turned to go. But I needed to know. I needed to know why this keeps happening. Why none of my relationships work out.
“Why?” I asked softly.
He sighed. “I don’t think we want the same things, babe. I mean, we haven’t even said ‘I Love You’ to each other because of your stupid rule,” he replied.
“It’s not stupid.” I liked my rule. They made me feel safe so when I actually felt like screaming those three words from the rooftop, it would be for someone who felt the same way. Someone who would never leave.
“I wanted to be honest and not say it until I felt sure,” I whispered.
“You know, what?” He slammed his hand on the table. “Maybe you’re right. I’m glad we didn’t say it because if we did, we’d be stuck in this never ending rut of not wanting to hurt the other’s feelings because we told them we loved them. This is better for us. But only because our feelings for each other have obviously left. They’ve been gone for a while.” He turned to leave.
“Is it someone else?” I asked quietly. If it was someone else, then it wouldn’t be my fault. I wasn’t sure it my other relationships didn’t work out because they were cheating, but I secretly hoped yes. It would mean there was nothing wrong with me.
“It doesn’t matter, Gracie. I just- ”
“I hate that name! You know that!” I stormed off to the bathroom to clean myself up. But of course when I looked in the mirror, there were no tears. No red noses or puffy cheeks. Just empty eyes that still wouldn’t cry.
_
When I was nine years old, I watched my dad die.
We were crossing the street, hand in hand, when I noticed that I dropped my pen. I went into the middle of the street to pick it up when I heard a noise. It was the sound of brakes, honking, and screams. Everyone thinks I blacked out after that.
