The Yellow Submarine

Chapter I

It all started when our predictably heroic protagonist, Matthew Jones, woke up in a haunted thicket. It was the second time it had happened. Feeling excessively worried, Matthew Jones punched a banana, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Just as zero people expected he realized that his beloved Holy Grail was missing! Immediately he called his friend, H A Hawkins. Matthew Jones had known H A Hawkins for (plus or minus) 1.2 billion years, the majority of which were enticing ones. H A Hawkins was unique. He was charismatic though sometimes a little... pestering. Matthew Jones called him anyway, for the situation was urgent. H A Hawkins picked up to a very sad Matthew Jones. H A Hawkins calmly assured him that most albino cats sigh before mating, yet legless puppies usually charismatically yawn *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; He was only concerned with distracting Matthew Jones. Why was H A Hawkins trying to distract Matthew Jones? Because He had snuck out from Matthew Jones's with the Holy Grail only three days prior. It was an electric little Holy Grail... how could he resist? It didn't take long before Matthew Jones got back to the subject at hand: his Holy Grail. H A Hawkins panicked. Reluctantly, H A Hawkins invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Holy Grail. Matthew Jones grabbed his hippopotamus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, H A Hawkins realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Holy Grail and he had to do it thoughtfully. He figured that if Matthew Jones took the gas-guzzling, ecology-destroying, tankish SUV, he had take at least seven minutes before Matthew Jones would get there. But if he took the Yellow Submarine? Then H A Hawkins would be alarmingly screwed. Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, H A Hawkins was interrupted by two selfish Rats that were lured by his Holy Grail. H A Hawkins sneezed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling puzzled, he fearlessly reached for his gerbil and aggressively slapped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the fantastic pumpkin patch, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Yellow Submarine rolling up. It was Matthew Jones.----o0o---- As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of carrots, so he knew he was running late. With a hasty leap, Matthew Jones was out of the Yellow Submarine and went sassily jaunting toward H A Hawkins' front door. Meanwhile inside, H A Hawkins was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Holy Grail into a box of carrots and then slid the box behind his canoe. H A Hawkins was displeased but at least the Holy Grail was concealed. The doorbell rang. 'Come in,' H A Hawkins explosively purred. With a quick push, Matthew Jones opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some annoying spite-toting jerk in a gas-guzzling, ecology-destroying, tankish SUV,' he lied. 'It's fine,' H A Hawkins assured him. Matthew Jones took a seat ridiculously unclose to where H A Hawkins had hidden the Holy Grail. H A Hawkins belched trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Matthew Jones was distracted. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, H A Hawkins noticed a stupid look on Matthew Jones's face. Matthew Jones slowly opened his mouth to speak. '...What's that smell?' H A Hawkins felt a stabbing pain in his prostate when Matthew Jones asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Holy Grail right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A insensitive look started to form on Matthew Jones's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's live hand grenades from when she used to have venomous pet koalas. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Matthew Jones nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before H A Hawkins could react, Matthew Jones skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The Holy Grail was plainly in view. Matthew Jones stared at H A Hawkins for what what must've been six seconds. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, H A Hawkins groped exotically in Matthew Jones's direction, clearly desperate. Matthew Jones grabbed the Holy Grail and bolted for the door. It was locked. H A Hawkins let out a curious chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Matthew Jones,' he rebuked. H A Hawkins always had been a little dimwitted, so Matthew Jones knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before H A Hawkins did something crazy, like... start chucking bananas at him or something. Happy as a frickin' monkey, he gripped his Holy Grail tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels. H A Hawkins looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Matthew Jones. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame seven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Matthew Jones. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. H A Hawkins walked over to the window and looked down. Matthew Jones was gone.----o0o---- Just yonder, Matthew Jones was struggling to make his way through the imaginary desert behind H A Hawkins's place. Matthew Jones had severely hurt his love handle during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Rats suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Holy Grail. One by one they latched on to Matthew Jones. Already weakened from his injury, Matthew Jones yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Rats running off with his Holy Grail. About three hours later, Matthew Jones awoke, his ear throbbing. It was dark and Matthew Jones did not know where he was. Deep in the broad fantastic pumpkin patch, Matthew Jones was abnormally lost. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, he remembered that his Holy Grail was taken by the Rats. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a shrunken Rat emerged from the swamp. It was the alpha Rat. Matthew Jones opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Rat sunk its teeth into Matthew Jones's shin. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Matthew Jones's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure. Less than two miles away, H A Hawkins was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Holy Grail. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened ripened avocado. With a calculated thrust, he buried it deeply into her ear. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Matthew Jones... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he cared about him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the Holy Grail that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sapling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Rats, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end.