I grew up believing I was ugly. Even when I was little I looked around at the other girls and noticed something. They were prettier, they were smarter, and they were skinnier. I couldn't quite figure out why I wasn't like that. I was a sensitive kid, I cried almost everyday because even the smallest thing would hurt my feelings. So when girls called me fat, boys laughed at me, and my friends forgot about me, it hurt. I felt like everyone would be better off without me. And this was when I was still in elementary school. But even back then, everything hurt. I think that's what made me grow up doubting myself, constantly thinking how useless I was. Nobody needed me. I felt stupid and fat every day. But I could still manage to smile at things that made me happy. When I got older, I stopped smiling for real, and learned about the fake smile. When I moved up into 6th grade, I basically destroyed myself. I felt like I had no friends, I felt like no one liked me. Part of that is true. I'm usually forgotten about. If I'm with a group of people, I'm usually the one left out. During those times, it's hard to smile when they ask me what's wrong. But I can still lie. I lie everyday. It was in 6th grade too that my hero, my grandpa, died. That's still one of the saddest moments of my life. After that, I began telling myself how ugly and fat I was. Memories came back of girls calling me fat, saying my friends thought I was fat too, and feeling so empty and alone. I spent almost every night laying on my bedroom floor and crying about how much I missed my grandpa and how disgusting I was. It's taken me so long to figure out I'm not disgusting. I've learned that, but I still dislike myself, very much. It's hard to find anything about myself I like. But I still try. That's why I'm writing this, because I'm trying to love myself. It's so hard to look in the mirror and not cringe at my reflection. Constantly comparing myself to others when I was young has damaged me. It wasn't all the mean girls' faults. It was mostly mine for believing their words. I thought I was far from perfect. I think I still am, but isn't everyone? I'm perfectly imperfect, if that makes sense. So now when I struggle with my body image, feeling left out, or blaming myself for
things, I try to remember that. That's all I can really do right now, I'm still growing after all. Today is my 14th birthday, and I thought I should share this, for myself and maybe for people who don't quite understand how I feel everyday. I'm trying hard, I really am.
