The Dorm

Chapter Six

Author's Note: Trigger Warnings! (anxiety attacks, talks of s*xual ass*ult, talks of s*lf h*rm, mentions of therapy, throwing up, referenced abuse, fear of ass*ult)

Everyone has wondered what superpower they would want if they could pick just one. On the drive home, all I wanted to be able to do was read minds. What is going through her head? I wish I could see it, read it.

But I'm just a monster. Sure, monsters are made of magic, but most don't ever learn how to actually use magic, with a few exceptions. My dad used to have really strong ice magic. He always tried to teach me, but it was too harsh for me and I could never figure it out. And even the monsters that do know magic don't know magic like that. I don't think anyone does.

So I just had to wait. Susie's anxious energy radiated off of her and into me. It poisoned my bones.

There was nothing to distract us. It felt too late to turn on music. We were just driving in silence.

I couldn't take it anymore. "Please, can you tell me what it's about at least? I just want to know so I know what to expect."

Susie shrugged and gave a small shake of her head. "I... I don't really know. There's a lot. It's, uh, it's mainly kinda about, uh, you?"

The poison moved from my bones to my stomach. It settled like a bog. I fought the urge to throw up. "O-oh, um, o-okay..."

Desperation clouded my girlfriend's face. Her eyes screwed shut for a split second before flying open and continuing to drive. "I'm not mad at you." My stomach loosened, just a little. "We just... kinda have a lot to talk about."

The key to our dorm jingled in my shaking hands as I tried to unlock the door a few minutes later. Susie gently took it from me and let us in. I quietly sat down on our bed.

"Noe, I need to shower really fast. There's hair down my shirt." I nodded.

The poison quickened. Through my stomach, my bones, heart, brain, fingers, toes. Bile rose and fell, up, down, up, down. My head spun. Breath in, out, in, out. Too short, too fast. 

Come back, come back, come back. Susie, come back. I want to get this over with. I want to know what I did. Oh, god, what if I hurt her. Son of a nutcracker! Come back, come back, come back...

Her hand was on my cheek. I looked up. "Come back, Noey. Where is your mind right now? Ah, there you are." She sat down next to me. I buried my face into her.

"Start talking. I need to know what I did before I freak out."

Susie's body tensed. "I... Oh, god, where do I even start? Um, you did nothing wrong. I mean, you did, but you didn't know, um, because I didn't tell you, so, uh, it isn't your fault... at all."

I felt her stop and take a deep breath. "Ok. Let's start here. I... don't feel the same attraction to you that you do... to me. I am very extremely romantically attracted to you! I don't want to break up! But, um, the, uh, other night..."

It clicked. Why she had been so tired. So distant. "I... I forced you into... you didn't want to... oh, god, what did I do?" I pulled away, burying my face in my hands. "Oh my god, oh my god, I'm so sorry!"

Susie pulled me into a hug. "You didn't do anything. Let me finish.

"I did it to make you happy. That's almost always the reason. Because I don't hate the activity, it's just too much sometimes. Uh, especially since I... don't feel that kind of attraction. It can be fun, but it's really draining for me. Literally and figuratively. So if I don't really want to in the first place, it really fucks with me.