shrek was such a introvert. like, he never went anywhere. he liked to bask in his swomp and get lap dances from his friend, donkey.
this was very fun of course, until...
donkey was taken! he could no longer give shrek lap dances because he was with dragon!!1!!!!!111!
Now what was shrek supposed to do for fun? the swomp wasn't the same without donkey. (even if he still said gET OUT ME SWOMP - it was a pretend hate relationship.)
"hey shrek, why don't you go to the club?" donkey suggested. shrek sighed and put on his best shirt.
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"you look great! now go have fun," donkey shooed shrek away because donkey is a supportive friend. (also, he and dragon were soooo going in that swomp once he left)
***
"so what is your type?" olivia wilde asked. emily rolled their eyes because they hate they she doesn't even know why she's with them now, olivia just showed up at their house like the desperate thing she is and followed emily to the club.
"i like... a real man," emily sighs at the thought. then they see him.
"purrrrr." they strut up to the abilicious man, ditching olivia.
"can i help you?" he asks.
"yes," emily does the debby ryan and blushes like a wittle kitty.
emily starts to do the whip and neigh neigh, which really turns mystery man on, but he'll never admit it.
"what's your name?" emily asks, mid dance.
"shrek," he says.
"oh, i'm emily," they looks around cutely.
"woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooah," some dude says really slowly. everyone looks to see a man standing on the bar table. "there is a noise complaint."
omg, it's a cop!
emily runs over because this guy is obviously a real name. time to impress. so they sniff his foot.
"ahh... b positive," they says.
"wot? how did you guess my blood type?" he says in a British accent.
"that's a secret i'll never tell," emily winks at you, the reader.
" 'm harry," the lad says.
"i'm your future wife," emily says. "c'mon." they drag him over to shrek because they need to decide between the men.
"you guys need to prove who is more deserving of my love," they tell the boys. shrek and harry both gasp. so shrek starts to break dance
*oonz oonz oonz*
harry doesn't know how to compete! he starts to twerk. emily is soo flabbergasted. how will they choose now???????? gasp.
"fine... how about a threesome?" harry asks, once he gives up. he also blushes.
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"oh, i dunno....." shrek says. he likes to play hard to get. he's such a silly goose haha!
emily decides it's time to really prove why shrek needs to join them so they decide to sing and harry plays background kazoo.
"so go and tell your friends i'm obsessive and crazy. that's fine i'll tell mine..."
*the whole crowd shouts in a country accent*
"YER GAY!!!!!!!"
"ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ENOUGH..." shrek shouts suddenly. "i do."
and so they get married in the club and all is well until...
"DONKEH?"
the end.
(if anyone was wondering, the wedding song was bad day from despicable me.)
