So, I'm Anna, and I'm bisexual. Hi!
I didn't realise I was bisexual for a long time. I'd always been friends with girls, but as a kid I never thought about girls in a romantic way... whereas I had 'crushes' on boys, who I obsessed over, and who I wanted to kiss and hold hands with and be with foreeeever. But the first time I watched a film or tv show and felt sexually attracted to the person on the screen, it was a woman - a scene in American Pie, I think! I assumed the feelings were because I wanted to "be" as attractive and sexy as the woman on screen, so I didn't think too much about it!
It wasn't until I was 18 that I properly started having sexual fantasies and desires, and more than half of them were about women. I was freaked out, but I was in denial and firmly convinced myself that the thoughts about women were just a phase, or just something I found sexually exciting because it's a bit 'different'.
But by the time I was 21 I realised I was unhappy, that being in denial about my sexuality was affecting my relationships and that I couldn't ignore it or make it go away. I realised that, contrary to what I'd thought all my life, I wasn't the same as everyone else.
Accepting the fact that I wasn't "straight" was really hard. It was made harder by not fitting properly into the categories people try and put us all in - "gay" or "straight". So I had two things to worry about!
The fact that I was probably bisexual
The possibility that I was "confused" or "undecided" and that I was actually gay
I distanced myself from my friends and I couldn't stop thinking negative thoughts about myself. I spent nights lying awake, thinking things like this:
"What if I'm gay?"
You're not gay, you're bi, but that's not a problem!
"I don't want to be gay"
You aren't, but you are bi, and there's no reason not to want it either way. It isn't something that defines you as a person, it's honestly absolutely fine, and you will be OK.
"What if being bi means I'm never happy in my relationships, whether it's with a man OR a woman? I like men in a different way than I like women, maybe I'll never fall in love and be happy!"
You will be happy in a relationship, I promise - very soon you'll wonder why you ever thought this was a problem!
"What if this means I can't have a family, have children, do all of the things I want to do in my life?"
It doesn't mean that at all. There are still ways of having the life you imagined when you thought you were straight so don't worry, but you will be so much happier, having accepted your sexuality, that the life you imagine for yourself will become so much richer!
"Why am I bi, or gay? It doesn't make sense biologically. Is it because there's something wrong with me?"
There is NOT anything wrong with you - society is to blame for making you think that. Love is love, between whoever, and it's all completely normal. There are species of animals which have gay relationships even, google it - it's really not 'weird' like people think it is.
WHAT IF I'M GAY?"
At the time though, I didn't have these answers. I felt lonely and bottled everything up. The thoughts about how I didn't want to be bi or gay and about how terrible everything was spiralled out of control and I became anxious and depressed - I can see now, looking back on it, just how dangerous it was!
I decided that the only thing that would make it better was to talk about it. But how??
