This was the moment I wanted to remember forever.
I wanted to remember the way his lips felt against mine, the way his hands roamed my body setting my skin on fire and how he whispered my name, his voice full of love. It was the memory I wanted to hold tight so that it would give me comfort when I was gone.
I felt lucky that for even a short time I had thought life was good and I could have exactly what I wanted out of it but I knew that things couldn't stay that way. It wasn't fair to him and I knew it. Just one more night, I'd told myself. It was just one more night in his arms before I lost him forever.
I waited until he fell asleep, his arm wrapped gently around my waist, his breathing slow and even whistling warmly against my ear. Sleep escaped me tonight and I lay there, watching the digital numbers tick over on the little clock, knowing that each one that passed brought me closer to sunrise and my final minutes.
As the sky began to turn that bright pink and purple shade of morning, I silently slipped out of bed, taking care not to wake him and dressed. I was taking with me only what I needed which wasn't much. A change of clothes, my phone and the small banded gold ring with the tiny flecks of amethyst wound into the folds.
The day that ring and the small note had arrived, shoved under our hotel door I knew my life would never be the same again. It was so unfair and for the first time in my life, I wished I'd never been born or if I had that my parents were someone else. Anyone else would do as long as they were dull, boring and ordinary in every sense of the word.
For the first two weeks after, I had been able to pretend it didn't exist. No one else knew that the ivory coloured envelope was hidden deep in the little slit I had made in my carry bag. If I didn't think about it, it wasn't real. I got up each morning, the further away we got from its arrival the more I could believe that none of it had happened. Maybe I had just dreamed it all like some horrible nightmare.
That was until the day I'd been out on the street, trying to hustle up a bit of cash when the tall, dark man with the bottomless eyes and thin lips had pulled me down a side alley and told me I had no choice. My presence was required in forty eight hours and it was not negotiable. I was to leave behind everything I had known and throw it all away for what they expected of me. What if I ran again I asked. I could, he said but they would hunt me down and next time, my insubordination would not be forgiven. I would be punished, my loved ones would be punished.
I had no choice I thought bitterly as I took a last look at him, trying to commit every physical feature to memory. This was the last time I would ever see him if they had their way. That is, unless they had a need for me that involved him which I doubted. It was against the Orders rules and if the need ever arose, someone else would be assigned to do their dirty work.
As the song birds began their morning calls, I carefully crawled back onto the bed and ran a hand gently across his cheek. It was rough with a couple of days worth of stubble but I didn't care. I leaned over him, taking care not to make any quick movements and kissed him softly. He never even stirred and maybe that was for the best. He could never know what lay ahead for me because I knew exactly what he would say. He'd protect me, he'd keep me safe even though it was a lie. No one could protect me from them, no matter how hard they tried.
Finally, there was no more time and without a backward glance, I left. It hurt too much to think about what I was leaving behind and even as I felt tears pricking at my eyes, I bit my lip and forced them back. I wouldn't cry. I couldn't give them the satisfaction of shedding a single tear because of them. If I did that, they won.
The one thing I knew I would never give up was that little sliver of control I still had. They had stolen everything else from me but they could never have that last piece of me. Without that, I was no longer me, I was one of them and I refused to give up without a fight. They could steal my life and force me into the servitude they believed I was born for but they could never have all of me. My heart and soul were mine and I would die before I gave them up. If it was the last thing I ever did, I would never give in.
