My suicide story...

Good days, and bad days.

I realized that not all my days are bad. I have my good days, days where I laugh and have fun. Days where thoughts don't appear and I'm over come with happiness. But just like cutting... The happiness and relief disappears. I cherish the time I have in the sun, before my mind drifts off again, and I may be some what depressed and suicidal.... But that never stops me from laughing at jokes, cheering on games, and being happy.

I remember once, how me and some of my friends went to the amusement park in Corpus, Christi. It was so much fun, we did nothing but laugh and enjoy each others company, we ride rides and took pictures. Ahh it was south fun, the ride back was so quiet as every one was tired out already haha. In the least it was the most fun I've had in a while, and me being me, just didn't want it to end fearful of what happened if it might. So.... I stayed happy. I laughed and joked around, always held a smile except for when I was deep in thought. But nobody except me knew, that beneath the smile was just a broken girl who wanted to be loved, to be happy and not have to fake a smile. (Even thought it was my own choice to do so)

After years of being alone, I put up a front, like the fake smile. Except this one was being strong, I held strong for myself and I soon grew tired of it, after being there for others... Once they turned away... Who would be there to help me? As broken as I was I needed someone, someone I could rely on to help me as much as I've helped them. Someone I felt comfortable with, to help me get rid of these suicidal thoughts that I have, to hug me when I need one... But I was always so scared of that one person that I needed the most would also turn their back on me and leave... Like all the others.
Over the years I've had a few "friends" whom I trusted, but after a while they stopped caring, moved onto new groups and abandoned me. After that I've.... I just never felt so alone with myself. I tried being strong or myself, saying it was loss that they were stupid to leave.... But I knew the truth, and I've learned to cope with it, though it kills me on the inside, ripping up my heart and spitting at my feet.... I've learned that real happiness isn't known to me. It was a dream never to come true, and I gave up on life, myself, and the dream of having someone I could love and cherish.

I give up...