The story starts on 2nd of septemper . I was diagnosed anorexia nervosa. TW ed/sh
I didnt believe that, I thought I was fat and ugly. That was imposible for me. We were going like three times per week to hospitals. I was really skinny.
Then on 9th November I was hospitalized for anorexia in Prag hospital on kids psychiatrist.
First day I was there, without parents and sister, I was sad like all the time.I must eat everything . Like cakes, bread, whole pack of cheese, and more . My mind was always thinking about calories and it was terrible . I was in the room with 2 other girls. They was there because of self harming . I can't believe that somebody can hurt yourself. They were okay, we were talking to each other like all night . There was like nine girls with anorexia too. They were so skinny too. They didnt like me , because I was having one half portions , and they all that meal.
Fist two weeks you are having one half meals , because your stomach isn't prepare for to much food. For breakfast was there two slices of bread( for me one) , ten grams of butter and ham( 100g). And you must eat that all. That was really hard. Other girls with anorexia were angry at me. The voice in my had was screaming worlds like: you are fat, don't eat that, you must be skinny, you are not pretty and I was crying . Then I eat that, because they told me , if I don't eat that I am going too have like some thing from my mouth to my stomach, and that will gave me food. And one girl was having that, and she tell me , that this thing is horrible and hurts a lot. I was feeling like I throw up. I mustnt . About two hours ago was snack. Roll with 10 grams of butter and a glass of milk. That is so much not gonna lie. I was eating that and shaking my legs so much. I was so nervous . I was scared. Then I was going to some doctor . She told me that I must gain. 15kgs I was like what the fuck are you talking about. That is impossible. That can't be real. For lunch was soup, big meal and dessert. Soup was okay, just water with meat and vegetables. Big meal you must choose between 2 meal. Sometimes both of meal are disgusting. Oh god. Like today. Meal one: some porridge with strawbs and meal two: dumplings with meat and spinach . For dessert is something sweet . Like cake or canape. It was really hard eat that. I don't eat that, they wrote red message to my doctor. If you had like six red messages you will get that thing to your stomach. I was really scared.
For snack was roll without butter!!!!! and apple or banana. It was easy to eat.
There was like girls with anorexia, bulimia, self harming, killyourself minds, OCD and bipolar disorder. There was 20 girls and 2 boys. You can't have there knifes, sousers, something that can hurts u.
I started sh there. Like with nail. Doctor sister found out and i was in a really big problem. They told me that I must stop thing that. I get it I understand . Tommorow I do that again, and again and again. It was really painful , but I hate myself so much. I throught I am fat and nobody likes me. I was really mental ill . I had like 5 friends here. Three with anorexia and 2 with self harming. They were my all.
For dinner was 2 bakery products with 20 grams butter and like milk rice or cheese or ham or egg or salami or cerealies with yoghurt. You must choose between two meals, that were wrote on some paper in sisters room. It was really much food. But I eat it, idk why. There was second dinner too. Some roll or bread with egg, yoghurt, fish salad with mayonese or some cheese. We must go sleep on 9pm. That was so early.
Next day , on morning, some new girl comes. She was here because of anorexia too. She was 15 and she was pretty. For breakfast was two rolls with 10grams of butter and 50 grams of cream cheese. I was having 1 roll , because I was on one half diet . After that I took my pills - Zoloft. That is not helping me, its embarising. Than I go to hospital school . In my class was four girls - two with anorexia and two that tried suicide . We were having English and science . It was boring. I was crying because of guilty , because I eat that food here. I was feeling like I'm gonna die and my head hurts a lot.
After school was time for snack ! Roll with butter and a cup of milk. Allfat milk of course. After that I was reading some book about some things, that may help me. I was talking to my friends here , in Prag. They are so cool and I love them so much. For lunch was soup , in which was a nail. Ugh. Then, I was having potatoes with carrot and chicken . That was like eating something you hate the most. For dessert was some vanilla and peach cake. It was .... I must say delicious . But I feel really guilty after eating it. Its hard. Be there without friends and I miss my sister so much. After lunch we must lye in bed for like thirty minutes. Its boring . Some psychogist came to my room, and say that we are having ed team talk. I said okay. The therapist was so creepy and she was ugly to me. Other girls said me , that this team therapy is the worse thing on the world. Therapist asks us a question: do you think you are pretty? We all said ; no, we're fat. She said: of course you aren't pretty , you are just skin and bone , what is hard about eat ??? just put a fork or spoon in yours mouth and eat!!! Are you dumb or something, you are not one on the world with problems. Other people have real problems, like cancer , what they give me if they can have cure. You must just eat , they must fight. They are I'll, you aren't.
I was like is she totally stupid or what? I hate her , really hate her. She never have anorexia , she can't get it. Like we can't get that somebody love food. I leave that team therapy , it was hurting me so much. She was so bad to us. About 2pm parents come to visit me. I was so happy. We can only be in this building. I can't go outside. That was terible . I ask my parents if they keep me home. They said no . I was surprised. I thought they say yes and I go. But that not happen. I was sad and I was crying. I dontwant to be there I want go home. They said : if u gained weight on 52 kgs you can go home. I said: that will take a lot of days maybe months. Mum said: hmm, you can do it, you're strong. I don't think so mum. I said to them : i will eat at home, I promise, please. Dad says: no, we don't believe you. You must be there. I was like you must be kidding me or what ?? On 5pm was the end of visits. I kissed and hug my parents and must go back. I was angry at them. They don't want me home. But after 3 hours I get it. They were woried of me. For dinner was rice porridge and some fruits. It wasn't bad , but not good yk. Doctor sisters must check me, if I don't have knife or something dangerous in my pockets . They found face mask, and they take out of that thing you put on your nose that "silver" long thing you know what I mean. I took a shower and brush my hair. There wasn't any mirror . Because you can crush them and kill myself. I get it . I start writing my diary . I wrote there my feelings, what I eat and what happend today. I write like three A5. Sometimes five . For second dinner was a big slice of bread , 10 grams of butter and an egg. Taste was fiftyfifty, but calories!!! its really bad. I was like : this is somebody's dinner and I am having that on 8pm after eating a big dinner. Other girls with anorexia, looks at me that face like: shut up and eat asshole. I said sorry girls. I didnt ate that all. I ate half bread and all egg and butter. I drink water and brush my teeth. I feel so lonely , I self harm again. It didn't hurt at all. Sweet dreams.
I was there 4 months and I gained on 50kgs. Doctor here send me home, because I was there too long. I said to me that I must eat at home, I mustn't go back to Prag hospital. It was so so so so terrible there. Bad sisters, bad therapists, bad food and ugly showers. Only plus was people there. Northing else.
I am home like 1 month and I eat. Its really hard to eat normally like other people . But I can't go back to Prag. I have fearfoods and savefoods too. I'm scared of nutella, cakes, pasta,oil, butter, ice cream, cheese and something other. My savefoods are carrots, ham, cucumber, pepper,alpro yoghurts, blueberrys,clementarines and its everything I guess. Yeah and soups!! But you must eat your fearfoods . Because if you don't eat them, you will be scared of food all your life, but you don't want that right??? You want live, go to the party's, have friends, boyfriend or girlfriend , and having fun with youur family.
Yes, truth is that I sometimes think of calories and that idk cake is bad. But its not true. Cucumber is bad if you eat her all the time. Everything is good in something mount . You can eat chocolate and be skinny ? TOTALY YES!!!!!! I am mentally ill , yes, but I am trying my best to be happy, and eat what I like and tastes good. Yes , I look what eat other girls, maybe I eat more then them, but what?? I don't know what they eat at home ! Confident is important. You must eat !! If you like something or have a taste on it. Go eat that. Tomorrow I had chocolate bar. And what? Nothing happened, nobody cares. Real friends will love you always. They don't look if you are fat, skinny, tall, short, black, white, depressed, happy, funny, crazy, quiet, . They will support you everytime. You are pretty that way you look!!! You should love your body! Remember, what long way you go. You can't throw that! Sending hugs.<3
