To be honest life is not worth it for me rn, a few days a go i got broken up with and ever since i've been spiraling down into depression. Im a Introvert and Overthinker, so that means i have a lot of time to myself where i ujst get lost in thoughts. Ever since im single again i've consantly been thinking about them sure its nothing new cause that was what already happend befor but now instead of joy i feel pain. They told me thats its not my fault and i need to find someone better but tbh, i knew a lot of things where just bright red flags, but did i ever give a sh*t about that... the awnser is no cause as its said love is blind. While my outside looks like i'm calm and collected there is a constant war going on inside my head. I dont know if thats normal but i usually think so much about them and everything that in the evening i get dizzy and every time i close my eyes i feel like my head is spiraling in a circle. Of course there is a part of me that wants to fight for what i want and love but the other part of me know im not welcome anymore im not needed i should just give them as much space as possible. It just that i trust them so much and i really need them and i kinda feel stupid i let them into my heart while it was shatterd in to so many tiny pieces and now that these piecese have been partially picked up they just star falling down again. The other part im really jealous about is that they are trying to find someone new rn and sure im happy they can move on but at the same time i just dont get why life has to be so mean to me and give the one thing i really cared about and wanted to have forever to someone else. I dont want u to understand me wrong i do not see them as my property or anyone elses property, but i have never been a very selfish person cause i got raised with absolutely nothing all i had is my Plushie until a certain point of my life. I never had a place i can call home or where i feel safe and happy while i might look like it i am in consant agony even when i was with them so i usually spent a lot of time when i was with them looking at them and smiling cause i saw the future i had in mind that would have been so beautiful cause i would have finally been able to be with someone who really cared for me and made me feel safe. Another habit i have is that doesnt matter how bad the last day was i stand up in the morning with so much energy and hope that the day is gona be great and in the evening i would absolutely hate everything and everyone and my self. When i had them i was able to talk to them and i cant tell you how much i appreciated that they activly took time for me to talk to me. I was always so happy and i was finally able to go to bed happy and wake up happy again. But now the only way i can calm my self and stop my suicidal thoughts is smoking and must say i am so sorry if u read this ive really tried my best but i just cant the dreadfull thoughts would not let me calm down so i had to find a nother way to calm my self cause other wise i do not know how long i could power through this, and i do not think anyone wants to go to my funeral if everything would become to much for me. even though im most definetly sure no one would show up anyway, who would ever want to be the one person who knew me im such a disgrace. Just promice me one thing when ever u need anything feel free to reach put to me ill always be there for you doesnt matter how bad im doing. And if i die, do not be sad do not make a big thing about it dont cry u know i never wanted anyonf you to be sad pls drink laugh enjoy live your life to the fullest if not for you at least for me.
Anyways ill have to go to bed see you again sometime.
F*ck i dont want to go to work tomorrow. ,_.
