"First cut is the deepest...." - Sheryl Crow
I sat at the edge of my bed and stared at myself across the mirror at the corner of my room. This is not me... I don't cry, but now I do. And the reason for all these is a damn mistake.
As I clenched my first tight, I can't help remembering how I used to make his fingers fit onto the spaces between mine. I seized the thin cloth of my blouse on top of my heart. It seems like I want to rip it off my chest to stop the pain I'm feeling right now. They said that heartbreak means a broken heart, but it seems like all the bones in my body are broken too. I can hardly look around under the thick curtain of tears covering my eyes. I never expected it to feel like this but my first heartbreak was like a poison torturing me so slowly for me to undergo every single pain it causes. As I closed my eyes to rest my mind, I felt my lips curl up into a tight smile as every nerve in my mind dredged up all the rumination we had, which I thought were already buried deep at back of my notice.
I gently caress him whenever he's unhappy. I was his friend, a wall to lean on and a shoulder to cry on. He'll always smile whenever I squeeze his arm telling him it's alright. I can still quite remember the puffy eyes he had after he cried all night long for the one he loves. I became unhappy for him. As his friend, it is normal for me to feel bad if he's down. But I know deep inside that what he feels towards me is totally different from what I really feel about him. I love him more than he ever thinks of. But I can't tell him that. I wouldn't want him to stop looking at me. I would never want him gone. I would still listen to him even though it hurts to know every day that all he thinks of is not me, but her.
I can't help remembering how I put false smile on my texts whenever he'll say that they're together again. I clutched my phone and controlled myself from throwing it to the waiting wall.
Yes, it all causes me pain. But it's more bearable to just be unhappy for him even though everything tortures every muscle in my body. I know in my heart I wouldn't stand the pain if he'll be gone. So just stay like this. Just keep quite. Just keep your heart calm.
He'll never know how my hand trembles as I wrote that song for him. He'll never know how I embraced the same pillow every night thinking it was him. He'll never know how I murmur things to him whenever his back is on me. He'll never know that. Never.
My friends wouldn't insist on turning my head the other way whenever he comes around. But my neck would uncontrollably tilt his way making my heart melt the same way it always does. It feels like everything around us was gone, unheard and unseen. It's just me and him. Everything is muted, just the beating of my heart. As I observe his every movement, I wish I could be there beside him, walking with him to his every destination. That would make me so happy, I can jump a mile! But a wish is a wish. And without hope, they'll never happen.
Every day is meaningful with him. The thought of him would make my body going. I can hardly understand before why I need to prepare myself so long. Everything should be perfect and welcoming with every inch polished. It's all for him, I guess. Since I never had the courage to tell anybody about what I feel, I just make it out as a puberty development, just to cover things up.
Did you ever experience the feeling of possessiveness? When you want him to just see you? You want him to just talk to you? When you want him yo make your name unique in his phone contacts? When you want to see just your name in his inbox messages? I would have! But I never had the right.
But I learned. And I moved on. If he's not for me, then someone is.
My first love and my first cut had brought me down. It had changed me and all my attitudes temporarily. It made every single day miserable whenever I see him. But I learned to just stand up and walk out the door into the waiting sunshine. Girls, come on! We better going into life. You are beautiful and no one can never make you feel nothing, remember that. It's never the end. Never look for love because you can't force yourself to be in love, that's why it's called falling in love, you just fall... When God created you, he made someone at the same time for you to find each other and be united again with love.
