Matters of the Heart

Chapter 1

It had never been her intention to make things messy. This whole matter was supposed to be some casual, off the books, affair. At least it had started that way. But the 'I don't hate you' had changed everything. She hadn't thought the blonde would remember a thing about their conversation but she had, thus changing their relationship, the way they saw each other.

First, little jokes, snide comments, and sarcastic chatter. Then silent conversations and silly smiles across the room. They went from ex-wife and mistress, who should hate each other, to friends, always there for one another. She couldn't recall if it had been her, the one to make the first move, or the girl. All she knew was that just friends quickly became something more intimate. Smiles and quiet conversations became passionate kisses and gratifying touches. Who would've thought?

The question always bounced inside her head. It was quite comical and almost ironic. The ex-wife and mistress. They had become friends with benefits? No. They had become so much more judging from the mess she had gotten herself into.

It hadn't been her intention to let herself go this far. But then, what else was she to expect? Realizing she didn't hate her. Wanting to protect her from getting hurt. It should have clued her in. She should have known. She already had experience with this kind of thing, with illicit affairs. However, this time it was her, the one to fall, the one who's heart had gone, it was hers.

For weeks, months, she had refused to acknowledge it. It couldn't be. She couldn't be. There was no way. She told that to herself anytime butterflies got set a flutter in her stomach with a single smile or simple look. She repeated it to herself when she felt her body long for the girl's touch the moment she got up from the bed. She let it echo in her head whenever jealousy invaded her as she watched the girl leave with him.

Lying to herself became a norm. She lied to herself for so long. She lied and denied and pushed everything away until that day. The day she felt the ground give way. The day the world came crashing down. The day the girl had gone out to save lives only to return with hers barely hanging on. It was at that moment that everything changed.

In that moment the lying ceased because when you feel numb, when everything is so loud and yet so quiet, when breathing hurts and the air feels thin, that's when you know for sure. That's when you know you've fallen. And god had Addison fallen. Fallen so completely, wholly, irrevocably, in love with Meredith.

It had hurt, finally accepting it. Watching her dying form had left her hollow. She had gone through the motions that day, wandering aimlessly. It had actually been surprising that she had managed to function, to operate, with a blank brain because the person she loved most was almost a ghost.

Hours had passed and she had sat alone, like always outside looking in, as the blonde woke in her hospital bed. The relief she felt was drowned out by the unbearable pain of her inability to be next to the girl as her ex-husband now was. The inability to hold her hand, kiss her forehead, lay with her so she didn't feel lonely.

Eyes had found hers and she wasn't sure what they saw but she saw longing flash through the baby blues. A longing that got washed up as Derek had stepped in calling the girl's attention to him. It had been so painful, too painful and she had gone. Watching them then had become too much, because it was then she really knew, then when she had given up and given in to what her heart, body, and soul screamed out.

This all was a complication. A mess she was sure she wouldn't get out of. One that would cost her everything and was bound to break her. After all wasn't that what matters of the heart always brought. Painful messy complications primed to shatter one's soul.

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The walls were coming down on her. At least that's how Addison felt as she waited for Meredith to show up. The waiting seemed unbearable while she paced around in their usual somewhat secluded on-call room, tucked in between supply rooms down in the basement. This was it though. She had already decided. Already made up her mind. Today she'd finally tell her. She'd tell Meredith her truth, their truth. She was in love and she couldn't keep the feeling at bay anymore.