Homesick (Lesbian)

CHAPTER 15: HOME

"She said that?" Scott asked putting the menu down to look me in the eye.

"Yeah. I mean, if she's not even gonna fight for me..."

"I don't think that's what she meant."

"She meant she was going to respect my privacy and boundaries and she wouldn't be annoying or harassing. I just... I really wasn't expecting that. I thought she'd come up with a bunch of excuses or something, you know, the way you try to say whatever you need to to get your ex back."

"I don't think that's her point. I think her point is she wants you to do whatever will make you happy, and if you'll be happier without her, she'll accept it, but if you ever want to get back together..."

"She said, she'll make thing good for me. What does that mean?"

"Don't know."

The waiter came to the table and Scott ordered his freaking Mac and Cheese. Me, I decided to order Pasta Con Pesto E Parmiggiano. Scott looked at me sideways, asking a question he wasn't pronouncing.

"It's fine. I promise. I think I'm getting to a point where I can talk about it now."

"Then, you mind me asking, why is this pasta dish such a huge trigger for you?"

"It was- Riley cooked it a lot for us. It was Lake's favorite dish. It was the last thing she ate before we had to rush her to the hospital and... she never came home."

"Jesus, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what it must be like-"

"Scott, don't do that. I don't want pity. It's been almost a year since Lake died. I'm finally able to even say her name. My baby girl died. I will never be okay with it, but I do need to accept it. Pity doesn't help."

"You're right," he said in a soft voice.

"I've been trying really hard, you know? I don't go to certain places in New York just to avoid seen families and children and little girls. I pretend Toys R Us is not there, and I don't like going to the park. I think it helped, it gave me time to get my feelings back in track, I'm postponing the grief. I need to face things now."

I wasn't telling all these things to him, I was talking out loud and he just happened to be there to listen. I wanted to face the things I'd been running from for such a long time, because those things weren't going anywhere. Wherever I go, they go with me.

"That's a good way to look at it."

"Yeah, so please, don't get all gloomy just 'cause we talked about my baby for a moment."

"Do you want to talk about something else?"

"Yes, please."

"How did it go? You know, your opening."

"Your lady hasn't told you?"

For a moment, I saw a flash of what might've been pain rush through Scott's face, but it didn't last long. "Nah, she doesn't tell me that stuff."

"I sold everything. Every single one."

"You're kidding me! That's incredible! That never happens. Wait, does that mean you're paying for lunch?"

I laughed. "Absolutely. You can ask for that expensive Whisky if you want, too."

"Oh, yeah baby. How do you feel?"

"I don't know. I mean when I comes to 'making it as an artist', I feel great. When it comes to the money, it feels weird, you know? Like it's not real. I look at my bank account and I feel like all that money belongs to someone else and I'm just keeping it safe for them."