Confessions of a Confused Child

Thank you
To Amanda Lovelace
Who inspired me
With her words
To write my own

I opened my eyes
To bright lights
And blurry faces
Looking at me
Holding me
Saying something
And I thought:
Who are these people?

- just born

To be a child
Unknowing
Of the terrors
The world holds.
Innocent
In all ways.
Blind
To the hardships,
But always so
Curious.

- i wish to be a child again

You come home
After I'm already in bed,
Go to work
After I'm already at school,
Sleep till two in the afternoon
Then took over the tv,
Left boxed meals
On the counter
For the kids to cook,
Had food just for
You
That we could never touch,
Would compliment me
That always left a sting,
Never gave the love
That I craved,
Your absence was always longer
Than your presence,
You crafted words
That left my head pounding
And my heart stinging
You caused my eyes to always water
Your words and actions left scars
That were never seen

Your screams
Would reach my room
As I tried to sleep.
I'd try to
Block it out,
Pull the blanket up higher,
Clutch it tighter,
Squeeze my eyes shut,
And disappear
Into my imagination
Then
Everything would go silent.

- my imagination was my only escape

My first friends
Gave the best hugs
Never complained when I was too strong
Listened to me
Gave me advice
Never told me that I talk too much
Went on adventures that I created
Heard everything that I heard
Slept over every night
Stayed up with me
Got yelled at with me
Comforted me in the dark
Fought away the loneliness
Cheered for me when I accomplished anything
Were proud of me
Loved me
And I loved them.

- stuffed animals

Fourth grade
Nine years old
In a blue coat
That engulfed
My small body
That you called
Fat
That I already knew
Was
Disgusting.

- self-hate starts early

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry

- what was i apologizing for again?

I was told
That if someone
(Hurts)Picks on you
It means they
Like you
So
When you
Made fun of me,
Yelled at me,
Screamed at me,
Made me feel worthless,
Terrified me,
Mother,
It meant
That you
Loved me

- pain equals love

I was riding my bicycle
When my shoelaces got stuck
In the spokes
I met the concrete
With the colorful bike falling
On top of me
I screamed
And screamed
And screamed
For my older brother
Whose window I was under
Only to be met with silence

After the panic cleared away
I freed myself from my capturer
Ignoring my stinging palms
Bruising legs rushed to find my should-be protector
To see him playing video games

"Didn't you hear me screaming?" I ask him
"No."

- did you love your games more than me?

You're [brother number 1]'s sister?
You're [brother number 2]'s sister?
You're [brother number 3]'s sister?

- being the youngest of four