Finding Reasons Why

Prologue

Blood splattered itself across my hands like I was a canvas in need of paint. How did this happen? How did I end up here? Why was I unable to attain a concrete series of events? Everything, all of it, was painfully blank. There should be no reason for blood to be on my hands. I couldn't have murdered someone. I'm innocent. Right? Then why when I gaze my eyes up from my shaking crimson stained hands am I met with the lifeless corpse of the person I thought to be the person I loved the most if not for the fact that I murdered them myself.

I was a murderer.

How did I get here though? What happened to cause me to slaughter the one person I truly loved? Any time I tried to remember an aching dull pain of forgetfulness washed over me like there was a tight lock with no key. Falling to my knees I couldn't bear the weight of my body anymore. Ah, my knees feel wet now. It doesn't matter.

Caressing my scalp with the decorated hands I felt the warm liquid drip down my hair onto my cheeks. That gave me answers: this blood was fresh. Pulling my hands down from my hair it didn't take long to notice it had spread across my skin. It was not just fresh. Was that possibly why my knees were wet? Because the blood was so fres I rested into a puddle of it? Did they just draw their last breaths? Could I have saved them?

Panic wallowed over me again, "what—what happened?" Dropping my hands down I felt the cold graveled floor of whatever stretch of the outside world I was in. There wasn't an expectation for an answer as the only soul before me was the deceased corpse of my lover and yet some part of me clung to the sliver of hope I would get some sort of response.

'Murder, is that not obvious?'

Yanking my eyes away from the horrid scene which laid before me I frantically hunted for the source of the voice. There wasn't a single soul. I was alone. Which meant I had no option but to look back towards the scene which laid before me. It did not take but mere moments before I felt the contents of my own stomach expunge onto the nearby coated ground. No human should ever look as disfigured as they looked. Clumped up on the ground like a pile of trash, their body curled up in ways no longer reminiscent of a human. Yet their eyes yielded who they were. I knew those eyes better than anything else in the world; after all, I stared at them day and night. The first things I saw every morning. Lifeless. They were so lifeless.

Shaking aside, I desperately tried to rise to my feet. Standing still would help no one except my own demons wracking at the inside of my mind. "A monster. It had to be a monster." Even my own voice no longer felt like my own with how meek it was. I was a confident woman. I was not this pathetic, helpless, desperate one. As if fighting that fact my body remained on the ground, legs far too weak to stand.

'There's no monster here, unless you're talking about yourself.'

This time the whispering was followed with some deranged cackle and yet when I looked desperately for the source there was nothing by myself and the corpse before me still. Was it the wind? Or perhaps I was finally losing my mind? Religious or not, I could pray that I was. "Oh god..."

'No god will save you.'

"Where are you!?" Raising my own voice up was hard and what should have been a yell quickly sounded more normal than expected. "Tell me what happened!?"

'I believe I told you murder, ——.'

What? I know it said something but I could not comprehend it. Like my own name was lost to me. Ah, I was going insane.

"Why," breaking seemed to be the only constant in my life. "Why can't I hear my name? Why am I here? What happened? Did I kill him?" Each slip of my tongue brought with it another follow through question which seemed impossible to answer. 

'Geez slow down. It's not like there's any rush.'

"No rush!? I killed someone!" I shouted, I know I shouted so why was my voice so soft? It was a whisper now. It didn't take the lack of disturbance in the land around me to realize that I no longer spoke loudly.

Hold on. Where even was I? Beyond the lump of human flesh in front of me and the gravelly flooring there was nothing in my immediate vision. Darkness enveloped the entire world like my eyes couldn't focus on anything. It didn't make sense, it wasn't that dark. Even if it was, shouldn't the nearby terrain be visible? It wasn't. No trees. No bushes. No houses or cars. Not even a road. Just pure darkness that inched ever so closer the longer I rested on the ground before my lover. Even their body seemed to begin to disappear from my vision. Their eyes are no longer as sharp and defined as they were.

'Did you really kill someone?'

The voice of the random voice seemed eerily loud now. Perhaps it was the lack of sight or my own drying throat but whatever the reason was it was as if they were right next to me. They weren't.

'They do say people are blind in love.'

Looking around again I confirmed they could not be seen, "what?"

'Look again at the body you fool.'

Every bone in my body told me not to look. Instinct screaming to turn away and leave into the shadowy land to head out and hunt for answers. But how would I know what to look for without seeing the body again? What a foolish mistake it was. Those pale lifeless blue eyes looked grey. Wait. Blue? Grey? They had green eyes.

That wasn't their corpse. It was mine.