phoen1x hears a knock at the door and goes to answer it. there seems to be nothing there, at least until he looks down and sees a bag of spicy sweet chili doritos™️. he picks it up and takes it inside.
a few minutes later, the spicy sweet chili doritos appear in the kitchen
"ayo what the fuck?" phoen1x says, grabbing the nearest gun he can find
"don't shoot me!" the doritos cry out
phoen1x points the gun to his head "okay is this good?"
"no you fucking idiot"
"then what?"
"drop the gun and i'll explain."
and so the spicy sweet chili doritos explain
"i can't believe i spent 36 minutes listening to a bag of doritos explain how it's alive."
"blame themetaladdict's boredom."
"ok"
"so uhh wanna get married."
"surewhynot"
later in the day, phoen1x does an extremely romantic gesture for his new found love. he takes the bag of doritos to the local taco bell which may or may not have a rodent infestation. i have a gun to my head and i cannot legally confirm this is true or not. please god do not kill me. i have a family. anyway back to the story, the doritos are extremely impressed.
"this is the most beautiful place in existence. i can small the health hazardous bathrooms from here and we're sitting by the front door!"
"this is one of my favorite places in town. glad you like it!"
in the greatest self-insert of all time, a waiter comes over and it's themetaladdict.
"phoen1x, this is the third time you've been here today. what the hell do you want now?"
"excuse you! i'm taking this pretty pretty lady out for dinner."
"what lady? i see a bag of doritos."
"that's her, metal."
a moment of silence passes
"are you fucking with me?"
"no, you're not my type."
"can you explain to me what hard substances led to you doing this?"
"sure, but you wouldn't believe me if i told you."
"i don't believe you now."
"can you just come over here so i can explain this story?"
"no."
and so another 36 minutes go by. themetaladdict nearly dies from the amount of cringe once the story is finished. holding onto whatever tiny piece of sanity he can, he finally takes their order.
"my dad back please."
"i'm afraid i can't do that."
"d'awww!"
"what about you, bag of doritos?"
the bag of doritos faces themetaladdict.
"mountain dew baja blast™️"
"oh god it talks!"
"themetaladdict, just get her the mountain dew."
"alright, but i'll be a minute. all of our employees are college students desperately trying to make up the fact school robbed them blind by getting a 2 cents an hour pay."
"alright."
the bag of doritos and phoen1x, looking at each other, both reading each other's mind, had a laugh knowing that themetaladdict now had to add PTSD to the forever expanding list of mental issues he had. they then did very affectionate things in public, getting them kicked out of the taco bell.
that's the end of the story, now go die or something idk
