How does one hurt?

Entry One

People say that killing someone is the greatest sin. For someone to kill me  must be the greatest gift I could receive. It is a fight to keep away from dangerous things each day. As a car drives past, I cant help but think how easy it would be to jump in front.  As I cut my dinner each night, I think about how easy it would be to simply drive the knife through my heart, or into my wrist. Too easy. Even as people laugh around me and I smile back, I could bite my tongue and choke, I could snap my neck, or even bite through an artery. It must be far less painful than this. 

Despite it all, I do none of these things. I fight myself inside while I smile and nod. Lie that I have had yet another perfect day. I do such things for my family. The very people who say that they are there for me, then slowly kill me from the inside. 

I feel like a shell. A hollow version of what I used to be. I know for a fact that I am well and truly fucked up. I am broken. I have never needed a therapist to sit with me in a cold room and explain things I already knew. I want to scream, but I just act surprised and tell them 'that can't be right, because I am happy. I'm doing fine.' 

I find the phrase, 'a bottomless pit of depression' to be bullshit. You can climb out. I climb out. I don't think I should anymore though.  I think that I am just meant to be broken. I think I need to stop trying to fix myself. I cant really be fixed. And I am ok with that. 

I feel like fine china or porcelain, in a way. I have been dropped a lot now. The first time, I didn't break, I just cracked a little, but bit by bit I broke. I became useless. I kept trying to fix myself, but it only broke me more. I am not meant to be fixed. Once china is dropped, it will never be perfect again, you cant use it for its original purpose, but you can keep the pieces. You can still use them. Instead of fixing what once was, I think I need to become someone new.

I will never be fixed, I will always be torn apart, but I think that will be better in the long run. I think I am ok with being broken. Although I don't agree with the term 'bottomless', I do think of my depression as a pit. At first the  was only a tripping hazard. I filled it up. But when the pit came back, it was twice the size. Every time I leave the hole, it gets bigger. And I will always end up in that hole eventually. 

With these facts I have come to the conclusion that I should just stop trying to climb out. I should maybe just try and make the pit more comfortable. Learn to live with it. When I am in this abyss, I cant feel anything. I don't feel sad. I don't feel happy. I'm just numb. Watching the world through hooded eyes. When I leave the pit, it all comes crashing down on me. I am safer in my hole of depression, I think. I will survive here, as long as I don't try to leave. I am safe here. I can't feel.  

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Authors Note - 

For me this is just an area where I can write how I feel. I'm probably just going to post something new when I need to get some thoughts out. This is something that I am doing to help with my mental health and a way to cope with how I am feeling, so please no hate comments, if you don't like this, then discontinue reading. If anyone is ever feeling like this then please try to contact a helpline service, or talk to someone. Maybe you could even write something like this for yourself. You can always DM me and I will be happy to listen to anything you need to say x