Being Nyla

𝗘𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁

𝖭𝗒𝗅𝖺 𝖤𝖽𝗐𝖺𝗋𝖽𝗌
𝖫𝗈𝗇𝖽𝗈𝗇, 𝖤𝗇𝗀𝗅𝖺𝗇𝖽

It had been three days since my birthday and two days since I miscarried. I haven't left my room since and i wasn't planning on leaving it either. My friends and family have knocked on that bedroom door for ages, begging me to come out and speak to them but I couldn't. My heart felt heavy. I had switched off my phone and stashed it away in a draw so that I didn't have to face anyone.

I was forced to leave my house today as I had an appointment at the clinic to see if the abortion was complete. I'd been sat in the car park for the past 20 minutes waiting for absolutely nothing. I didn't want to go home just yet so I was left to wonder around doing nothing. I watched a couples walk out of the clinic with large smiles on their faces and a brown envelope in one of their hands. The man had his hand cradling the woman's stomach and she giggled as he whispered something in her ear.

Eventually I picked myself up from the bench and left the car park, turning onto the quiet road. Cars silently drove past and birds chirped in the distance. The sun was out but there was a cool breeze that flowed about. I strolled down the streets humming a tune to myself with my hands in my pockets. My mind was stuck in another world. I decided to take the long way home so i could do some wandering instead of walking on the busy main road. I ended up going to tescos on my way home to pick up some pads and painkillers because the ones I was using now weren't helping me at all. I pulled the hood from my hoodie over my head as I browsed all the different aisles for what I wanted. I looked such a mess. My hair wasn't brushed and my eyes were swollen from all the crying I had done this morning and the days before that. I looked like trash so it was best if I kept the hood up and his my face away from everyone. I stopped off in the bakery section and got myself a cinnamon roll and some white chocolate cookies before going to the drinks section and buying a large bottle of water. I paid at self checkout and stuffed all my items into one bag then sluggishly dragged myself out of tescos.

When I got home Gianni was fast asleep on the sofa snoring away loudly. I turned the tv off and rested the remote on the small wooden table in front of him. He looked well comfortable. All snuggled up in his tracksuit with his body curled up and his thumb in his mouth. I couldn't believe he still slept with his thumb in his mouth at his big age lol. I went upstairs to my mums room and checked on her but she was fast asleep too. Damn. I set my stuff down on my bed and opened the packet of pads and took one with me to the toilet. I'd been bleeding a lot more and it was so heavy. I'd go through about five pads in one hour, that's how fast they filled up. I was told to come into hospital if the heavy bleeding and cramps got worse over the next couple of days. I hoped they didn't because I really wasn't trying to end up there.

I washed my hands and flushed the toilet once I was done changing my pad and threw my wrappers into the mini bin beside me. I stared at myself in the mirror and felt sick at the sight. I had heavy eye bags falling under my eyes, my cheeks still had lines from my tears that I cried this morning and my hair looked like a birds nest. I attempted to put a smile onto my face but it fell after each and every attempt, leaving my face blank and emotionless. Carefully entering my bed, I pulled the covers over me and curled up underneath them so I was laying in the fetal position. I found myself staring at my dull, grey curtains with nothing but blankness clouding my brain. Soon enough I got bored and flung my dresser open, searching for my phone and the charger. I stuck the plug in the socket and rested the phone up on the dressing table next to me. The phone instantly lit up and I was hit by bright colourful lights and nearly a thousand notifications from different apps. I let all of my notifications load before entering my password and swiping through all of my apps, Snapchat had 120 notifications and my Instagram and Twitter notifications were both in the thousands.