Lovers in Denial (a Chuuya x Akutagawa fanfic)

Chapter 1: Akutagawa's Midnight Thoughts

It was late at night, but the Mafia man known as Akutagawa was wide awake, as per usual. He rarely, if ever, slept well, and tonight was no exception. His midnight thoughts were keeping him up again, no surprises there. It was like they never ended, or at the very least calmed down. It truly could be a curse. Forget that. It was a curse, no questions asked. Akutagawa often wondered why his thoughts couldn't plague him during the day.

Unfortunately, Akutagawa's former sensei was what was on his mind at this moment, though he hated to admit it. It felt like forever now since he had denounced Dazai and declared that he was done trying to gain Dazai's approval. Despite all the bad treatment Akutagawa had received from his mentor in the past, it was still a difficult decision to make. Maybe a small part of him had still held onto the faint hope that maybe things could be different someday. But all that hope went out the window the minute Dazai continued to confirm that he would always favor the weretiger. While it hurt to hear, it wasn't completely a bad thing, weird as it may sound. It helped Akutagawa finally have the strength to make the decision that needed to be made. Dazai would never see Akutagawa for who he truly was, so what was the point of chasing after something that would clearly never happen? Why would he continue to waste his life? Why not focus instead on the few people who did care about him?

Akutagawa didn't regret his decision at all, but a small part of him would likely never get over that type of blatant rejection. He knew it wasn't Atsushi's fault that Dazai favored him. Despite that, he still couldn't help but resent the man-tiger. It just wasn't fair. Not at all. For years, Akutagawa had tried his absolute best to live up to Dazai's expectations, only to never be noticed. Not only that, but Dazai just up and left one day and came across Atsushi, who he would grow to favor. Akutagawa was just left wondering where he went wrong and agonizing over it for what felt like forever.

Until Chuuya came along.

Akutagawa and Chuuya had worked together for awhile, and they had always been on fairly friendly terms, though they weren't exactly what one might call close. They just worked together, and that was about it until that one fateful day...

Chuuya had been dealing with a major dose of jealousy since Kunikida, his friend from the agency, had come down with amnesia and became best buddies with Dazai, aka Chuuya's former partner/arch enemy. Akutagawa had noticed something was bothering Chuuya, and he'd offered to listen if his coworker needed to talk.

One thing led to another, and before the two Mafia men knew it, they were having a heart-to-heart over their deepest struggles. Neither of them were exactly the type to open up, so that made the situation all the more shocking. Though he'd tried so hard not to talk about it, Chuuya eventually admitted his jealousy and fear of being replaced. Similarly, Akutagawa found himself venting about Dazai and how his ex-teacher never treated him well and then, adding insult to injury, started training Atsushi and openly favored the weretiger despite him never having to do anything to prove himself. Akutagawa knew he shouldn't hate Atsushi since it wasn't his fault, but he did anyway. As for Chuuya, he didn't hold Kunikida's amnesia against him, but it still hurt to see Kunikida get along so well with Dazai. After having that talk, Chuuya and Akutagawa realized just how similar they truly were, and it brought them closer together.

That conversation had helped Akutagawa to see that Dazai would unfortunately never give him the attention he craved. Chuuya had been the one to help Akutagawa see that he deserved better...and the one who gave him the better that he deserved. Chuuya actually saw Akutagawa was a real person and treated him as such. Ever since that day, Akutagawa had grown to really care for Chuuya. How could he not? Chuuya treated Akutagawa well. But Akutagawa wasn't sure how exactly to describe it. Was it just friendship? Having never really had friends before, he couldn't really say.

Why do all the monsters come out at night? Why can't I just get some sleep without my brain deciding to nag at me for once? Akutagawa wondered. If this kept up, he'd probably have to ask for advice, and he wasn't sure how he felt about that. For one thing, who would he even ask? That was a dilemma in and of itself. Who could he count on to give good advice?

After a while of debating over it, Akutagawa came to the conclusion that he should worry about it later. It was already pretty late, so he figured he should at least try to get a little bit of sleep. Unfortunately, that was easier said than done. That being said, he did eventually doze off.