Snippets of Us
One: "Hurt"
I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything...
The glass is totally empty; as I stand to go to the kitchen for some more water, she comes to my mind... again.
It has been happening so often, more than ever, and is no help that she came back. Before, when she wasn't a part of my life anymore, I used to see her every once in a while; her image making appearances here and there, in certain corners of my mind that I couldn't fully control. When I was awake, my conscience kept her alive every time I saw something related to our memories: a building, some flowers, the little cozy corner in my parents' restaurant... I couldn't find a way to totally erase the moments we shared together; it left me no option but to tolerate them. And when I was asleep, in my dreams, she used to visit me... her face as pale as it was the day we broke up. At the beginning, those times felt like a streak of lighting... impossible to bear, killing my mood and my motivation, all at once. But, not long ago, they were as similar as little stings from a small needle. Lately, I was starting to let them go...
With time... after five years, I had thought that they were becoming less painful.
Until today...
Yeonsoo had come back to my life no less than two weeks ago and the time that I had dreaded seems to want to restore itself against my will. The pain... now hitting me like giant waves in the ocean, stronger than before; making me go around in a desperate circle, moving in motion but restraining my escape. It was drowning me...
And I haven't figured out yet if it was because she was back... or because she really wasn't.
Full of broken thoughts, I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time, the feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still here
Of course, Yeonsoo had made a surprising appearance in front of my door, asking me to help her with some work-related project. Did she look any different? Yes. Who wouldn't have changed in that amount of time? She was older... her dress code seemed more professional and her hair looked neat and stylish: the epitome of an efficient office worker. But for me, as shocked as I was, the expression in her face was the same as I remembered: huge, cold eyes. Small nose, flaring rapidly as soon as she saw me. Her mouth, sturdily shut.
And the realization hit me as soon as I saw her... that she looked different to the common eye... but she was the same woman I used to love. She had been gone, but I was still there... with her. In the same limbo she had left me... The only real difference was that she clearly didn't feel the same.
Maybe, that was the part that had been starting to really hurt me.
What have I become, my sweetest friend
Everyone I know, goes away in the end
Just a week ago, the fact that I was someone totally indifferent to her had become more clear. Her resolution to keep things professional, building the same wall that used to separate us every time she needed space. It was a total kick in the gut when I had to hear it from no other than Mr. Jang; that she was going to make sure nothing happened with between us. Like I was nothing... and she had the choice...And me? Like I wanted it.
It was the setting thought that I meant nothing to her. And apparently, she still meant everything to me. Because she hadn't left my mind... not even for a single second.
So, when I hear the doorbell in the middle of the night, tired as I am... I still go to open it. Because there is no way I hadn't manifested her to be here, standing like a clueless child in front of my house. I feel numb, but my heart races once I see her... not in the same way it did two weeks ago, when I was confused. This time, it feels close to excitement... the same way you feel when you have been waiting for someone, and you finally see them.
Is it the outcome of my resolution or is it the effect of the dozens of pills I have taken? Whatever the reason, I feel the rush.
All I think now is that she may not longer be an illusion.
This woman, right now, looks more alike the Yeonsoo I used to love. Hair down, kind of messy... a green, cozy sweater covering her from the cold of the night and some lousy shoes in her tiny feet. The same face: huge eyes, small nose, mouth shut.
She is here, and I am still with her.
She is saying something about tea... shows me a yellow tumbler that looks too big for my own taste; I sincerely hope is rather coffee. Then, after an incoherent mumbling I have no desire to understand, she blinks repeatedly; the same way she used to do when she is out of ideas. Her features look nervous as her hand starts to move closer to mine... indicating me to grab the tumbler. She seems urgent... the need to go away, palpable again. And I can't let her.
This time, I need her here.
So I grab her small wrist and all I can hear myself saying is: "Do you want to sleep over?" Yes, sleep sounds good. She looks at me, surprised, but I can't wait anymore. I don't even have time to figure out if this is a dream or not... if she is willing to stay. I need to lay down and I remember that she is the only person I used to call when I couldn't sleep... for one reason or another. Back then, when we were in high school and later, in college... her number would pop out in the screen of my phone when my eyes and my brain were too stubborn to rest. Her voice, a sweet sound over pouring with comfort. She always knew what to say... after all the nagging was over, of course.
I want to tell her to never leave, but my body is giving up and she is not reacting. I feel how my legs become weaker... it must be the sleeping pills kicking in. Goosebumps. My skin begins to tingle as my limbs start to become numb. She seems to notice then, that I am about to pass out.
She touches my forehead. She looks at me with concern... and it's her again. It's my Yeonsoo. The one that used to calm me down over the phone.
I don't know how much time have really passed since I saw her like this. Five, six, seven years... she was never the same once I came back from my trip to London. Physically, she was with me... but her mind used to be somewhere else. And I have missed her... more or the same way I miss her now. It hits me then, again, that no matter what I do to push it away, it will always come back to me... everything that I feel for her...
Because you can't stop feeling something when it's true, not overnight
So I bring my arms to the front, with all the strength I still have in me, and I wrap them around her small frame... I can't let her leave. And I don't know how to say it... but I can show her: I hug her like I have never done before. Now, she is mine again, even if its for a little amount of time. And now she is in front of me, she is letting me, not moving away... no longer an illusion.
And even when I don't really know if this is a dream or not... I don't care.
I will figure it out in the morning.
If I could start again, a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way.
