We can't afford the Copyright

Paul: Good evening. My name is Paul Smallshot. You're listening to We can't afford the copyright, on 97.0 Stray F-ake, and I'm here to talk to celebrities about motion pictures that they never made, songs they never sung, and books that they never wrote. Tonight, we speak to the actor, Michael Caine. So, Michael, what does it mean to you, starring in your new film, Harry Blue?

Michael: I know what this means. It means leaving someone who you have cared for since you first heard his-

Paul: Ok, I'm going to stop you right there, Michael. So sorry old boy, but this programme is called We can't afford the copyright, and you were just quoting a Batman film that you were in, which you can't do, because... we can't afford the copyright.

Michael: I know. I'm sorry. You trusted me, and I failed-

Paul: Ok, I'm going to have to cut this one short. Before we go to the next interview, let's take some calls. First, we have a call from John Fake, who lives on 10 Fake Lane in Faketon. So, John, what do you have to say this evening?

John: Well, first of all, none of those details were correct. Secondly, your show is terrible.

Paul: You're maybe being a bit harsh there, John.

John: No, I'm serious. You can't talk about anything real on your show, so you just make stuff up. The most embarrassing part is that the listeners know this, but you don't care because you need the money. And I happen to know all about your financial problems-

Paul: OK, let's cut this chap off. Next caller, please. Here we have Joseph Notissname, who lives on Not real Lane in the village of Who-really-cares. So, Joseph, what words of wisdom do you have to bestow upon us this fine evening?

Joseph: Bring me, Peter Pan!

Paul: Oh, those darn prank callers. Let's go to the next interview now, and can I just remind any potential callers on this programme not to shout film quotes live on air. We can't afford the copyright. Next up, we have Hollywood legend, Nicholas Cage. So, Nicholas, what does it mean to you, starring in your upcoming film, Face Lift?

Nicholas: Well, I gotta tell you bro, there's nothing like having your face-

Paul: Lift?! That's what you were going to say wasn't it?

Nicholas: Well, not exactly bro, I was actually gonna say-

Paul: Peach?! That's it, isn't it?

Nicholas: Oh yeah, peach. I could eat a peach for-

Paul: No! Don't you dare finish that sentence! We can't afford the copyright.

Nicholas: Well, what am I supposed to do bro? Should I just sit here and recite alphabet?

Paul: No, don't do that-

Nicholas: A, B, C, D-

Paul: Stop that at once! Do not recite the alphabet!

Nicholas: E, F, G, H, I, J

Paul: Don't go any further than T. I'm getting nervous now.

Nicholas: K, L, M, N, O, P

Paul: And on that note, we'll move on to our next interviewee, David Mitchell from the sit-com The Bow Pepe Show. So, David, how are you, this fine evening?

David: Well, I've got to tell you, Paul, I'm absolutely fuming!

Paul: Oh goodness! Do tell me more!

David: Well, I come on this show, expecting to have an intelligent conversation, only to be told five minutes beforehand, that it's all a big joke.

Paul: Well, you're embellishing the truth, slightly there, David.

David: No, I'm not. You invite celebrities on your show to talk about anything but themselves, because you can't afford the copyright. I mean, what's next? Are you going to interview Stephen King about a horror novel he never wrote? Are you going to talk to Daniel Radcliffe about being cast as Batman? Where does this madness end?

Paul: Well, you've certainly given me some ideas there, David.

David: Are we even on the radio right now?

Paul: And that's all we've got time for this evening. Join us next week for more interviews with celebrities, about anything but the actual events occurring in their lives. And that's good night from me.