CONFESSIONS OF MY ONLY OBSESSION

Part 1

WILLOW

"Evening Cooper" I greeted the old man sitting on the chair right in front of me. He is in his late seventies and his back is totally bent and round. Face is wrinkled and his blue eyes barely open, hairs are white like snow "evening Willow" he replies with full of energy. That was expected, Cooper is always energetic and it fascinates me even after all the time I've known him he is always happy and smiling. I wonder what was the last time I was happy?

I can't remember the last time I had a good laugh.

Not even a real smile.

Wow.

I smile at him and make my way through the elevator when I hear him say "I hope I will see your real smile someday Will" I don't turn. I just walk in the elevator and press the button which has nine written on it.

I don't know when I will see my real smile or even if I will ever see it. It has been a couple of months I should try to move on, but the more I try it feels like the more it is consuming me. Everyday starts with him and ends with his thoughts and even though he is not here physically he is here. Right here with me mentally. I can feel him.

Maybe someday I will get used to opening the door to an empty apartment.

Not yet but,

Maybe someday.

I open the door to my apartment and there it is. The thing that haunts me the most.

The dark.

The silence.

The loneliness.

The guilt.

And the trail of 'what if's' I make my way straight to the room without even looking at the dark green chair. I know it is empty and that is what I don't want to see.

The emptiness.

The same feeling is in my stomach. Hollow.

I take a shower to clear my head. The water starts running down my body and I feel a burning sensation on one of my arms and there it is.

the blood.

The wounds are open allowing the blood to mix with the water and flowing with it the red liquid falls on the floor of the tub making the white surface red. I watched it. I watch my blood mixing with the hot water and drops of the mix on the floor. My skin is burning now it is red but I don't move.

The pain.

I want it. I need it. So I stay still under the running water afraid of moving even a little bit.

Maybe I deserve it.

I do... deserve it.

My eyes hurt now that I am not blinking them because I am staring.

So hard.

"I am sorry" I whisper. My vision gets blurry because of the tears but I keep my eyes open.

I keep staring at the empty green chair like he is right there.

Nope.

It feels like a nightmare, a never ending one. It feels like I am dreaming, that he will appear from somewhere "Willy" he would've said. His voice was enough to calm me but I don't hear it anymore. He would've sat next to me hugging me, kissing me asking me what is wrong? Right now when I am on my knees with my face buried in my hands, if he were here....

Only if he were here.

But he is not.

Because of me.

"I love you" I whisper