The Fetid Kleenex Wipe

One morning in New York, I heard my neighbor Melvin complaining about how there was nothing that went on around these parts to do. In an effort to find something entertaining, he asked around the neighborhood if anyone was going to cause a ruckus.

Normally, this would be weird and if you were crazy like Melvin you would go out and make a fool of yourself, but he worded it in such a way that it almost sounded like a threat. He would say "If you don't go out there and do something to make this town not excruciatingly painful to live in, I'll go and do it myself.".

When no one took him up, Melvin did exactly that. Later that day, I spotted him going in his car and driving to Party City and some grocery store. I only knew this because he announced it to the street as a final attempt to have us be less boring. When he came back, he had two bags. One was a Party City bag and the other was a Price Chopper bag. I couldn't tell what was in them, and knowing Melvin and his nature, I didn't want to know for the sake of my mental health.

Instead of going into his house like a normal person, he walked straight into the woods where hunters like to go. Concerned for everyone's safety, I followed Melvin into the woods after some internal conflict between my worry for the general public and what I already knew about Melvin.

While Melvin trekked, I saw my other neighbor walking in my direction. My neighbor is an old man I don't know much about except for the fact that he has a small dog that is very friendly with mine. Looking towards him, I asked, "Have you seen Melvin?"
"Oh yeah. Weird guy isn't he?" The man replied.
"I just saw him heading towards the woods with two shopping bags, what do you think he's going to do with them?"
"Probably not anything good. I'm getting kind of worried."
I replied with a small hum, and followed Melvin into the wild.

    The ground beneath my hot pink light up and glow in the dark my little pony sandals was uncomfortable to even look at. It was squishy that suggested not much sunlight and a lot of rain and cloudy days but the smell suggested it was probably not mud, but something else entirely. It would be only until after the unfortunate ordeal you and I are about to witness that I realized just what substance I was stepping in.

    The trek went on for about seven minutes, and at that seven minute mark I heard what sounded like something hitting a tree and swinging. Cautiously moving to a nearby bush that was blocking my view, I then moved some of the branches to the side, only to see the man himself. Melvin. It took everything to not let out a throat destroying scream at the sight of him. Melvin was in a very small fairy costume which I guessed was the thing in the Party City bag. That wasn't even the worst part. Whatever parts of him that weren't dressed in costume were covered in peanut butter.

To top it all off, he was hanging by his stomach from a beige colored rope that was attached to a nearby branch that looked like it would snap if any more weight was added onto it. While I was still processing the absolute sight ahead of my once innocent eyes, a hunter who's name I didn't care enough to remember came wandering from over yonder. Before I could warn him or get myself out of there, he saw Melvin in all his peanut butter fairy glory.

The hunter freezes in what I assume to be fear, and drops his gun. Just when I thought he was going to scream and run away calling Melvin something like a 'weird idiot', he shot up the tree like the flash. Before I could comprehend what he was doing and react, he jumped on top of Melvin's back and let out a deafening "YEE-HAWWW!!!".

Just as that hell-raising sound exited the hunters greasy, smelly, lips, the branch that was the only thing holding them above the ground snapped with a wet crack, and he and Melvin plummeted
to the ground, successfully getting covered in peanut butter and the suspicious muck that covered it.
    Soon enough, Melvin and the hunter recovered from their little drop. Slowly getting up, the hunter who was probably crushing Melvin with his weight gagged in disgust as the mess. Just as he did, Melvin saw it as well and surprisingly enough, gagged. The trees and the general area around them were covered in peanut butter and the "mud".
    "Oh what in God's name is that!" The hunter said, flinching away from the mess and towards the nearest clean tree.
    Melvin was silent for a moment, taking in the scene with a neutral face.
    "Pean't bud'r," Said Melvin.
    "What did you just say to me?"
    Melvin responded only with a vague gesture of his hand to the mess.

    The hunter shook his head and pulled out a single Kleenex wipe and tried to wipe the mess up. The only thing he succeeded in doing was making the mess worse.

    The hunter, not bothering to stay a moment longer, fled the scene, leaving Melvin in his peanut butter mess. I took the moment to look down at my feet and reflect. Before I could do that, I suddenly came to the realization that what I was sitting in was not mud, but peanut butter mixed with dog droppings. Looking up, I saw that it was probably early afternoon judging by the sun.

    Looking back at Melvin, I saw that he was already gone. Without thinking, I moved my peanut butter and poop feet away from my bush and to the Kleenex Wipe. Upon the sight, I almost threw up. The thing was absolutely rancid. Fetid even. Not wanting to be there any longer, I fled the scene, and took the knowledge of how that disgusting thing came to be along with me.