A journaled experience

Intro

Hi
I'm Millie, I'm a teenager and in year 10. The year I do my GCSEs but instead of striving for perfection in academia alone I have also turned to perfect myself.

I am writing this to get all my shit out so it doesn't overwhelm me, which is what usually happens if I don't talk about things.

There seem to be a lot of things about eating disorders and how it feels to live with one. How there is one way to have it and if yours doesn't fit the mould in one way or another then you don't have anything because it's not the same as mine.

I also self harm or fishing as I like to call it, as I feel it draws less attention to what your talking about, I've probably been doing it since I was about 8 or 9 and I have never been clean nor have I had the ambition to be clean. However that's not to say that there is anything wrong with being clean.

I seem to attract people who a) are completely unstable b) complete shits c) or a combination of both. This has made for a roller coaster of friendship, falling out and general why did I do that?.

Now this bit may trigger some people for abuse so if you are easily triggered I suggest that you skip ahead a couple of paragraphs.

The first instance was between reception and year 2. I had a friend who we will call "E" and we were very close, did everything together etc, etc. Anyway, as I would often go to her house she would pretend with me stuff like we were boyfriend and girlfriend, along with some inappropriate stuff, and we watched porn. In year 3-4/5 I had a girl called "M" who was popular whilst I was being bullied by almost everyone. She would often invite me over to her house and we would play "chicken". It's a game where you have to kiss someone and if they back out then they are chicken. I remember being so afraid and uncomfortable with it but I never did a thing about it. M then involved a friend in the year below called "D" and it continued from there.
It was stuff like snog them for x amount of time, lying on the bed, lick their pants etc. when I moved away it stopped.

Paragraphs are finished for those who skipped it!!!

I have moved a total of 4 schools and 6 houses. This has made making long term friendships somewhat difficult but I've survived.

I'm incredibly paranoid about certain things which means that it must be quite difficult to be my friend. An example is that if I believe any secrets are about to be revealed by someone else then you bet I'm deleting you off everything and not talking to you until this has blown over.
Anyway enough about the past I'm here to talk about the present.

What caused this disorder?

Well I was doing an ICT project in year 9 about body image and the media which doesn't mix well with an obsessive curious personality. After spending days looking at thinspo and proana sites I decided that it was time to diet. Enough was enough I was not going to be fat anymore.
So I did just that I had every school day for about 3-4 months a hot chocolate with some milk and one hot meal. On the weekends I ate normally.
I have no idea how much I lost but it was a significant enough amount to make me go extremely light headed every time I stood up.
During this time I had body dysmorphia so it took a long time until one day I saw what I really looked like. This freaked me out and I "recovered" for another couple of months before I embarked upon another phase where I walked my dog for stupidly long amounts of time and went on a school ski trip to loose weight.
This current phase was triggered by a major event in my life in terms of school and an ex friend being an absolute bitch for reasons she has never made clear.
Right now I have been in this phase for around 6-8 months but I don't restrict in the holidays. I also do fencing twice a week.