Hopeless

VI

"Love without hope will not survive, love without faith changes nothing. Love gives power to hope and faith." – Toba Beta

After Nova's death I thought I had reached rock bottom. Every morning I woke up thinking of the moment I would go back to bed to sleep. And every night I closed my eyes, I wished to never open them again. It was not like I had any reason to keep living, and as hard it might be to comprehend, it is true. There are moments in life when you truly wonder, why am I here? Who am I here for? And let me tell you, it is scary. It is scary to know that there is no reason for you to be alive and it is scarier to have a reason to die. Mine was to be with Nova.

I do not know how I got to the conclusion that if I died, I would be with Nova. Maybe some desperate side of me thought there was a place where all souls go after they have exited a body. Call it Heaven or Hell, I do not care. All I wanted at the time was to be with Nova. I lived like a ghost, walking around unbothered by anyone's presence. I did not eat, I did not sleep. By the end of the month I looked like a pale twig with ridiculously dark under-eye bags. I missed my friend and no one could help me. It was like nothing from that point on could have an effect on me. I have lived everything anyone could ever live and I was left alone at last.

After being absent from school for three weeks, aunt Maria forced me to get up from my bed, take a shower, put on some decent pieces of clothing, fake a smile and go to school or else she would have to kick my useless depressed ass out of her house. That was where my aunt had come to. Threatening to leave me homeless on the street. She never did it and I learned how to ignore her after the seventh time she'd caught me coming back at five in the morning smelling of booze and cigarettes. I had never put a single cigarette in my mouth. It is just a killing machine that was made by people to destroy people. But everywhere I went, people were overly fond of smoking so by the end of the night, I would stink of it.

And that was something that would get my aunt ticked off. I tried many times to explain to her that I was not the one smoking but she would not have it.

So, I learned how to ignore that as well.

My first day back to school was rough. I had to walk through the hallways with everyone's pitiful eyes stuck on me and listening to everyone whispering 'That poor girl' as I walked by. I didn't care for their pity, or for their sad looks. But they were there, lurking, haunting me. Reminding me of what happened. Every. Single. Day.

By the last day of school before Christmas break, they had forgotten all about it though. I could still hear their whispers as I walked around school, but I ignored it so much I thought it was a done deal.

Over the holidays, I had become a little better. Aunt Maria had convinced me to see a therapist every Tuesday afternoon. I am very thankful for that decision my aunt took, because if it were not for that, I would have never met Hazel. Hazel took Nova's place for a couple of weeks. I met her at the park during the time I was supposed to be at my therapy session.

She looked to be a good girl. She had a simple life and everything was planned ahead. Her future was determined by her parents and she seemed to have no problem with that. Or I was too far into my issues to see her misery. Hazel had a boyfriend, named Steve. Steve and Hazel met in eleventh grade. He came from a wealthy family, and he, too, had his future planned by his beloved parents. I used to see that and envy their luxury; going to the best Universities in the country, living in huge houses, having everything when I had nothing.

Around the same time, I met William.

An athlete from my school.

He did not interest me in the slightest; no one did after Nova's death. I lost faith in friendships, relationships; everything in general. But I kept him around. Don't ask me why, I really do not know.