Hopeless

VII

"When you have lost hope, you have lost everything. And when you think all is lost, when all is dire and bleak, there is always hope." – Pittacus Lore

I drove to Hazel's house where, to my surprise, my birthday party was still happening even though I was not there. I grabbed my phone and made my way inside. The party was wild. Surprisingly many people wanted to celebrate my birthday, yet I could not name one person that was in that room dancing and drinking.

I saw Hazel coming down the stairs with her boyfriend, hand-to-hand. I narrowed my eyes and took a big breath. Moments of her moaning under my boyfriend played on repeat in my head. I was soaking wet from the rain and people were looking at me confused, but Hazel and William had taken no notice of my presence. I wandered around, trying to get to the TV. Once I did, I looked through some boxes they had searching for something that would help me connect my phone to the television. I could not find anything, so I did the next best thing. I took some wires and connected my phone with the speakers. My heartbeat beating furiously made me feel slightly dizzy. The room fell silent. The music had stopped, I pressed play. My heart beating faster than it has ever beaten. Moans and groans echoed through the room. I lifted my hand up in the air, still holding my phone, so everyone could have a great view of what I was showing them. Hazel's face had gone pale and I saw tears rolling down her cheeks. I am extremely ashamed now, of course, but back then I felt nothing but pure anger. Her boyfriend, Larry, stood disgusted next to her, his eyes glued to my phone. Hazel's parents running down the stairs and seeing their little girl being intimate with someone who is not her boyfriend. Everything was going downhill for Hazel and I am regretfully saying that I was enjoying every second of it.

The video stopped and I disconnected the phone from the speakers.

'Better lock your door the next time you decide to fuck your friend's boyfriend without your boyfriend knowing, Hazel.' Hazel was trembling next to her parents whose faces had gone red from their anger. I threw my phone at her and said,

'Here; take it. Just to remember the moment.' I grabbed a bottle of Vodka that stood on the table next to the door and ran to my car. I drove away fast. I could not believe what I had done. But I did not care. I just wanted to disappear.

I am not aware of how, but I managed to get myself to some club downtown without getting into a car crash. It was still raining; my clothes were already wet of course, my eyes were red and burning from all the crying, my throat had a blazing sensation due to the huge amount of alcohol I consumed during my ride to the random club, I was in sweats and a cropped t-shirt, yet I had no shame walking in that bar and ordering something that would probably have me passed out by the end of the night.

I sat on a stool and drank my beverage thinking; this is it. There is nothing worse that could happen to me. I've lived everything. Yet I was not even close. The drinks kept coming, and I kept consuming them till the last drop. It felt nice; the burning of the liquid going down my throat. It made me think of her, made me feel closer to her. I wanted to know how she felt when drinking.

I had nothing else to do but that. I had just lost another one of my best friends and my boyfriend and possibly had ruined her life by showing something so intimate to everyone at the party. I had never felt so low in my entire life. I hated myself. I wanted to escape from me, be someone else. Change my name, leave the country and forget about my past.

That night was the worst night I ever lived so far. I felt like shit; like I should be thrown away. I felt alone, afraid. I was about to end it all. But something inside of me kept me sane. A whispering voice inside my head was telling me to calm down, to stop drinking and wake up. Stop being such a baby, and look around to see I am still alive and that I will make it.