Hopeless

IX

"He who has health, has hope; and he who has hope has everything." – Thomas Carlyle

'If you do not feel comfortable, we can totally skip it and just hang around at my place. Just like last night.' A fellow classmate on one of Hannah's classes invited her and I to this party he was doing, Hannah was familiar with my hatred towards activities as such, yet I knew how much she loved them.

'But you love shit like that.' We both laughed.

'Are you kidding me? First of all, I don't drink. Crowded places make me super uncomfortable and to be honest, Paul looks like a creep.' She had said and even though I could indefinitely tell she was lying, I went with it. I felt the ease and airy freedom of not being forced into doing something I don't want to, and it rose something in me. Something addictive.

That day we had two classes together and even though the actual course was kind of boring, Hannah made it fun. Once finished, we went to that little salad place near campus and then straight to her apartment. Aunt Maria was more than happy to have finally got me out of her way although Gloria said she missed me a lot; said the house looked empty without me.

At Hannah's we baked some cookies and watched random videos of cats on YouTube and eventually sat down to study. And at the moment, I felt like an actual person, living my best life in New York City. I had amazing company who did not show any red flags that could scare me off or make me want to run away. I had spent enough time away from my aunt so I could feel less of a failure and was at the top of my classes in college. For once, nothing was wrong in my life. And that gave me courage.

'Hannah?'

'Mmm.' She had her nose almost buried into that massive book for one of her courses, and I felt kind of guilty to interrupt her. Though the tingly sensation in my chest couldn't be ignored any longer. I felt powerful. Life was in my hands and I was the one controlling it.

'Do you have Paul's address perhaps?' I couldn't bear to look at her, fearing that she would laugh right in my face for trying to be brave. The laugh never came.

'Yes..' A giggle almost escaped my lips noticing how confused Hannah's voice echoes through her small apartment. Excitement shit through my entire body as I got ready to make a, what seemed to be, huge step forward.

'Good.' She waited for me to continue. I hesitated. With a little pressure he voice on the back of my head put me through, I managed to finish off my thought. 'Because I was thinking maybe we could go to that party?'

It did not come off as strongly as I wanted it to be, but I was proud of myself for taking such a decision. Parties were never my thing and after all what happened I did not even want to think about such events. But something inside of me was so glad to be finally having a normal life that I did not care what happened in the past. I only cared about the present and my need to be normal. And normal meant party.

'Are you sure you want to? Because if you're doing this for me just know that I really do not mind and I like it here-'

'No really, I want to go. ' I said, this time more confidently, interrupting her little rant. She looked me straight in the eyes and searched for some sort of uncertainty, and when she found none, she smiled and got up from the bed. She bent down and dragged a huge black suitcase from under the bed and placed it on top of it over our notes. Opening it, I came across numerous fancy dresses and skirts appropriate for an occasion like tonight's.

It took us fifteen minutes to figure out what we would wear and another extra hour to actually get ready. While we were squeezed in Hannah's little bathroom, a sudden rush of anxiety hit me as I realized what we were about to do. My palms were getting sweaty, my heartbeat was quickly increasing and I felt once again like I was not in my body, living my life. I felt like I was watching it from a third perspective. And then I started feeling woozy.